#27 [2025/CBR17] Murder for the Modern Girl by Kendall Kulper

CBR17Bingo: "Borrow" - because I borrowed it from the library.

Murder for the Modern Girl (2022) by Kendall Kulper is another book I picked up after it was recommended to me by someone in my local book club. I thought it was original and unique. It was a quick read and kept my interest. Although there are fantastical elements to a couple of the characters in this book, the story still felt grounded. In fact, the fantastical elements really made the characters more interesting, and they added something to the story.

Ruby is 18 years old. We first see her when she is in disguise in a cheap bar, about to put poison in a man's drink. It is 1928 Chicago, and Ruby has a special talent. She can read minds. She's recently been using this talent to find men who are truly bad, but the system is too broken to find them and throw them in jail. And she kills them. Quite often, Ruby's act will save the life of another woman or women. Ruby justifies her actions because the justice system is a mess and often doesn't protect those in need.

Ruby is a fun character with a very progressive and modern take on life. She is very smart and independent, and she is very close with her father, who works for the city of Chicago. Ruby's father is in the midst of dealing with a couple different groups of gangsters.

Guy is a young man who works in a morgue. He can barely talk to people, he is easily overlooked and discounted. Although Guy spends his nights cleaning the morgue, he is also very smart and intuitive. He sees some of the bodies killed by Ruby and notices a trend. But even more interesting, Guy is in the morgue because he wants to befriend one of the doctors there. Guy is a shapeshifter. He can change his appearance at whim--although it is physically difficult. He is desperate for more information about his condition and hopes the doctor can help him.

Guy and Ruby are thrown together. Because she can see into minds, she can tell who Guy is no matter  what persona he arrives in. They work well together. However, Guy is still looking for the killer--which is Ruby--and that puts a damper on their relationship. Throw in a lot of drama and violence from the fighting gangsters who don't want Ruby's father involved, and there is a lot going on in this book.

Like I wrote above, I did enjoy this book. Ruby is a fun, resourceful character who is loyal to those she loves, and thinks outside the box. The setting was fun, and Guy was a very sympathetic character. It was good seeing them together. My only complaint is that I was a little weirded out by how comfortable Ruby was with killing people. I know they were bad and "deserved" it, but an eighteen-year-old calmly ending life after life after life was disconcerting. She was a serial killer, and never had any qualms. It's easier to overlook multiple murders in a book, but I was imagining this lady out in the world today.

#26 [2025/CBR17] Margo's Got Money Troubles by Rufi Thorpe

CBR17Bingo: "Work" - Because Only Fans is definitely work

I had never heard of Margo's Got Money Troubles (2024) by Rufi Thorpe when my book club picked it as our next read. I was only told that the main character does OnlyFans, so I was intrigued, but I wasn't really sure what to expect. I ended up listening to this one on Audiobook. 

I really enjoyed this novel. Margo is a very likeable protagonist. She is smart, resourceful, and works hard to protect those she loves. I almost immediately got personally interested in her life and deeply invested in the outcome. 

Margo had something of a challenging childhood. Her father, Jinx, was a professional wrestler who cheated on his wife with Margo's mom. Jinx never left his wife and rarely saw Margo as she grew up. Margo's mother was there for her, but her priorities are considerably out of whack. At the beginning of the book, Margo is going to Junior College when her English professor initiates an affair with her. Margo doesn't particularly like the professor, but she appreciates the attention. When she accidentally gets pregnant, the professor tells her to abort it, but Margo has other ideas--mostly naive and idealistic ones.

After the baby is born, Margo is overwhelmed. Her roommates cannot stand the noise of a crying, newborn infant. Her work fires her because it's impossible for her to find childcare. Margo has no income, her mother is no help, and she is desperate. I thought this part of the book was very well done. Thorpe does a fantastic job in making the reader understand how few options Margo has. I honestly cannot understand how families manage this whole baby thing, but a single woman with a wage position and no family help? It seems impossible.

In her desperation Margo sets up an OnlyFans account. At about the same time, Margo's father, Jinx, shows up at her door, needing a place to stay. Jinx is trying to get sober after being addicted to opioids from all of his wrestling injuries. Fortunately, he is a natural caretaker, and he is great with the baby. Margo uses lessons learned from her father's wrestling career in making herself more marketable on OnlyFans. 

Things seem to be finally improving, and it is so fun to see this little family coming together when it is suddenly all threatened. The baby's father finally shows an interest in his offspring and files for full custody, saying that Margo is an unfit mother. About the same time, a complaint is made to social services, and a social worker stops by, threatening to take Margo's baby into foster care. After seeing how much Margo loves her kid, and how much she did to build a stable life for him, I genuinely felt terrified for her.

Fortunately, everything turns out all right. In fact, the most unrealistic part of this book is probably how well everything turns out in the end. But by then, I liked the characters so much, I was happy to see it. Thorpe does a good job in pointing out some of the hypocrisy of the characters getting in the way of Margo, her child, and her living situation. One moment that had me yelling at my car stereo system was when the professor said Margo couldn't be a suitable mother because she's too young--a "baby--a baby!" She wasn't a baby when you slept with her, Creep! Highly recommended.

#25 [2025/CBR17] Stories of Your Life and Others by Ted Chiang

CBR17Bingo - "Recommended" because this book was recommended to my by my friend.

Most of my book club is composed of a bunch of lawyers. However, there is one, lonely electrical engineer among us who is constantly recommending science-fiction novels that are met with a varying amount of acceptance. She has recommended a number of Hugo-award-winning novels to me that I have intensely disliked, so I don't completely trust her judgment. So, when she loaned me another science-fiction book to read and said she didn't care when she got it back, I put it on my shelf for a number of years and forgot about it.

Then came the day when I needed a book to read, and my library books were all on hold. In my desperation, I turned to the rejects on my bookshelf. And there it was, Stories of Your Life and Others (2002) by Ted Chiang. This book contains eight short stories. Chiang seems to be a very well-respected writer of science-fiction. On the whole, these stories were unique and interesting, although some of them were a more painful plod than others. I tended to lose interest in the stories that focused more on religion, but that's just my preference. 

Below is a short blurb about each story in the order they appeared. The starred stories were my favorite.

"Tower of Babylon" - This story explains the building of the Tower of Babylon. Just bringing bricks up to the highest level takes months. People live up there, while they work, growing plants where they can. The sun is especially intense near the top. When they reach the top, they bring a team to drill through to heaven. They are flooded with water and end up back on the ground. It turns out Heaven and Earth were much closer than they had thought. It's like a cylinder with drawings imprinted on it rolled onto the Earth. They might appear far apart if you only look at the impressions from the cylinder on the ground. But they're right next to each other on the actual cylinder. 

*"Understand" - The main character is a subject of an experimental drug that helps him recover from a coma after a near-drowning incident. His brain had been pretty much destroyed, but the drug makes him smarter than he was before. And he keeps taking it, and then he goes rogue and steals another dose. He's smarter than ever, and then he runs into Reynolds, someone else from the program. Their brains are beyond powerful, but they have different ideals and eventually seek to destroy each other. Interesting.

"Division by Zero" - Carl and Renee are an older couple. Renee is a mathematical genius and she discovers a theorem that disproves the very building blocks of Math that are the cornerstone of Renee's entire life. It ruins math for her completely. Her husband realizes that he doesn't love Renee anymore, and it's a similar realization for him. I thought this one was okay, but it wasn't my favorite.

*"Story of Your Life" - I did not know that this eponymous story was the basis for the movie, Arrival. I have not seen Arrival, but I did think this story was good. There is a linguist, and she is brought in by the army to try to communicate with aliens who have appeared in locations around the Earth. In the process, she learns a new language and a new way to think, which allows her to know what is going to happen in the future. ***SPOILER*** She learns that she will have a daughter who will die young, and she has to decide if she wants to have her daughter knowing what's going to happen. This was one of my favorite stories. The details of learning to communicate with the aliens as well as the emotional punch of her discovery was very well done.

"Seventy-Two Letters" - You can create a kind of living automaton with certain combinations of letters. One scientist wanted to create beings that were able to create others. This was seen as a huge threat to the people who already created the automatons. This story was not my favorite. It felt very long and religious-y

"The Evolution of Human Science" - This entire short story is written as an article in Nature magazine. Apparently there are metahumans (something like AI, I think). These metahumans make all the advancements in the world while humans are left just trying to understand it. I found this one short and interesting. I liked that it was written as a magazine article, and it may hit a little too close to home.

"Hell is the Absence of God" - This story also felt very long and religious-y. We are in a world where angels come to Earth, sometimes (accidentally?) bringing death and destruction with them. Surviving these experiences means something and some people chase this experience trying to change their lives. Not my favorite.

*"Liking What You See: A Documentary" - This was one of my favorite stories. The story is written from a bunch of different perspectives. Science has come up with a thing where you can alter your brain so that you are not aware of beauty. It affects the way you see faces, and makes everyone look kind of bland. In this context a college is trying to decide whether they should require and/or encourage everyone on campus to undergo the procedure. This issue is pretty controversial, and the story consists of the many different opinions and perspectives on the matter. There are students who grew up with it, who both like it and dislike it. There are people who want looks to not matter so much. There are the advertisers who desperately need people to see beauty in order to sell their products, and many more. 

This story probably gave me the most to think about. First, this wouldn't realistically work unless it affected our views of bodies as well. Of course beautiful faces are important, but people definitely look at the whole body when determining beauty and attraction. Second, it's fascinating to imagine a world where people were not treated differently based on their looks. Finally, it was both interesting and realistic to see how the competing interests handled this proposal at the college. Inevitably money got involved and people were paid to endorse certain points of view. I think this was my favorite story, and I'm glad the book ended with this one.

#24 [2025/CBR 17TH] James by Percival Everett

CBR17Bingo - "Black" for the black cover

James (2024) by Percival Everett has been everywhere. It won the Pulitzer Prize, and I'd seen reviews and mentions of it all over the place. Barack Obama recommended it as well. So, it was only a matter of time before I got around to reading it. As most people know by now, James is a retelling of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain from the point of view of Jim. I'm pretty sure I read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn many, many years ago, but I barely remember it. Thus, reading James felt like reading a new story. It would definitely be interesting to compare the two novels, but I do not have the memory for it.

Jim is a slave, surviving as best he can, when he hears that he is going to be separated from his wife and daughter and sold away from them in New Orleans. In desperation, he takes off to Jackson Island to hide and buy himself some time. He comes across Huck Finn, who faked his own death and is hiding on the island in order to get away from his violent father.

Huck Finn and James end up traveling down the river together, both of them fleeing from something. They try to avoid everyone as they survive storms, slavers, Huck's father, and others. For a time, James and Huck Finn are separated, and James is on his own. James meets some other Black people who are passing as white, he is re-sold as a slave, and is able to escape once again.

What really stuck out for me with this book was how high the stakes were for James. Everything was life or death, and everyone they ran into could put him in grave danger. It was very suspenseful reading. It also showed the desperation and brutality of slavery, and how hopeless it could be. ***SPOILERS*** In the end, we discover that James is actually Huck Finn's real father. I'm pretty sure this didn't happen in the original book, but it's both fascinating and believable in this version. 

Another theme of this book is that James has distinctly different ways of talking when he's around other slaves and/or Black people and when he's around white people. He slips occasionally with Huck Finn, who notices immediately, but it's usually a defensive mechanism to make white people feel at ease and less threatened. I am sure that this happened often within the context of slavery (and continues to happen today), although it's unlikely that it happened in exactly the way that Everett wrote it in this book. I'm not sure how James would learn to speak like a northern, educated liberal when he's a slave in the South, but James did have to hide his intelligence, understanding, and learning in order to protect himself. And he taught other slaves to protect themselves in a similar manner.

I thought this book was very well written and interesting to read. It would probably be even more interesting to compare this book with The Adventures of Huck Finn, but I think I will wait and maybe reread that one at another time. Recommended.

#23 [2025/CBR17] Not Another Love Song by Julie Soto

CBR17Bingo - "N" for "Not Another Love Song"

I found Not Another Love Song (2024) by Julie Soto through my book club. We didn't actually choose this one for book club, but another book clubber highly recommended it. This piqued my curiosity, and I was able to get it almost immediately on Audiobook. This is a young-adult romance, which I generally enjoyed. Although it wasn't my favorite, the emphasis on music throughout the story made it feel unique.

Gwen Jackson is a child prodigy and self-taught violinist. She has a job at the Manhattan Pops Orchestra, which she really enjoys. Her mentor, Mable, a woman at her music store who introduced her to the violin, wishes that Gwen had set her sights higher--going to Juilliard instead of settling for a middling professional orchestra.

Xander is a "rockstar" cellist, who is part of a rock band with classical instruments called Thorn and Roses. He is the object of many adoring fans. Gwen and Xander first meet when Gwen is playing a gig at a wedding with her roommate. After a miscommunication, she is required to play the cello in front of Xander, who just happens to be in the bridal party. Her musical ability as well as her ability to transpose her violin music to cello music captures Xander's attention.

Xander also just happens to have joined the Manhattan Pops orchestra even though he doesn't seem to like it or fit in at all. But that just means more opportunities for Xander and Gwen to run into each other. Eventually, they try playing together and, not unexpectedly, make beautiful music together. With all that mutual attraction, spending all that time together, and bonding over music, they inevitably end up together. 

This book also has a lot of drama. The orchestra is losing money, so they move Gwen to first chair--partly to advertise their hotshot, youngest first-chair ever. They also use Xander and Gwen's relationship to promote their orchestra. In addition, Xander is the previous first chair's son, and he is very bitter at not being made first chair himself. In any case, there is a lot of strain on their relationship. 

I played the clarinet in various school bands from sixth grade through college. And I really enjoyed creating music with a large group of people. Even though I did not have the talent nor dedication to pursue it professionally, I did love it. So, this book was partly fun for me because I could vicariously live the dream of the professional musician. I really enjoyed Gwen's job, and how the music was important to the plot. This helped elevate a book where Gwen and Xander's relationship might have been more frustrating without the music. Xander was often silent and uncommunicative and could come across as immature and annoying. Also, most of their problems simply stemmed from the fact that, although they were having a lot of sex, Gwen and Xander barely talked about anything important. But the music made it better.

#22 [2025/CBR17] Intermezzo by Sally Rooney

CBRBingo17: "I" for "Intermezzo"

President Obama recommended Normal People by Sally Rooney back in 2019, and I was very impressed by the writing. I was already interested in reading Intermezzo, (2024) Rooney's latest novel. But when Obama recommended Intermezzo as well, it only became a matter of time. I have to admit that the synopsis did not draw me in, and I was a little concerned that Intermezzo would not hold up to Normal People. 

In a nutshell: there are two Irish brothers, separated by ten years in age, and even more in temperament and lifestyle. Peter Koubek is a Dublin lawyer in his 30's. He has all the trappings of success, but his life is falling apart. He cannot handle being alone with himself, and is constantly self medicating with drugs. He is still in love with his old girlfriend, but he's acting like a sugar daddy to a young woman who does something resembling OnlyFans to support herself. Ivan is a 22-year-old chess prodigy. He's always been odd and socially awkward, and most of his family have never been supportive. Since his father's illness, Ivan has lost his edge at chess.

The brothers have a very complicated relationship. Peter looks down on Ivan almost as some kind of freak. He does not give him the benefit of the doubt or appreciate his good qualities. Ivan can sense this, and although he craves Peter's approval, he is very sensitive of his criticism. 

When I first started reading this book, I thought I might have a hard time finishing it. When the book is from the perspective of Peter, the writing matches his disjointed and drugged up mind. The sentences are incomplete and jagged with quick impressions of what's happening instead of clear explanations. I could not have read this book if the entire thing was written in this way. Fortunately, these chapters only get us in his head space, and the majority of the book is written in a more familiar, Rooney style.

I really started getting into the book through the character of the younger brother, Ivan. Our first glimpse of him is from Peter's perspective, and Peter's viewpoint is so derisive that I thought Ivan must have some major problems. But once we get to know Ivan, it's clear that he's a genuine, caring, and honest person who just doesn't always understand social cues and norms. When Ivan goes to a chess exhibition and meets Margaret, a woman about his brother's age, they hit it off in such a natural and sweet way that I couldn't help but hope for them. 

Like Normal People, Intermezzo is a book that delves into the heart of relationships and how they can change over the years. It was very interesting to see the dynamic between Ivan and Peter, how they sometimes tried to connect and failed, and how their father's death affected their relationship. In addition, we get a glimpse into their childhood, and see how that affected them as well. Both brothers also had realistic, complex relationships with the women in their lives.

Recommended. (I'm with Obama on this one).

#20 [2025/CBR17] The Paradise Problem by Christina Lauren

CBR17Bingo: Green (for the green cover)

By now I've read a number of books by Christina Lauren*, and they've been a little hit or miss for me. But it hasn't stopped me from continuing to read their novels--always hoping for the best. The Paradise Problem (2024) wasn't my absolute favorite book from them, but it's up there and I had a good time.

When Anna Green was pre-med in college, she was desperate for housing. A friend of hers hooked her up with Liam "West" Weston. If they got married, they could live in subsidized student, married housing, which would help them both. It was all in name only, the two had opposite schedules, and they barely saw each other. When Liam moved on after graduating, Anna did not think much about the marriage or Liam.

But four years later, Liam gets back in touch--and Anna happens to be at a new low. She decided to pursue art rather than go to medical school. She's just been fired by the gross, teenage son of her bosses at the corner convenience store, and she's desperate for money. Liam tells Anna that they never actually got divorced (he didn't hide this, Anna was just remarkably unobservant and never looks at paper work). Now Liam's younger sister is getting married on a remote, exotic private island. His family thinks he's actually married to Anna, and she has to come to the wedding to keep up appearances. Most importantly, Liam is the heir to a giant supermarket franchise, but his grandfather put in this will that Liam can't get his inheritance until he's been married for five years. Thus, the two need to go to the festivities on the island and make it look like they're a real couple. Anna doesn't have much of a choice, and she agrees.

One of the most fun parts of this book was the wish fulfillment of getting all the clothes and pampering that was necessary to join insanely rich people on an amazing vacation. And then Anna gets to go on that vacation. It doesn't hurt that Anna and Liam--when they actually spend time together--are intensely attracted to each other. They can't deny each other for long.

There were other parts to the story, including how Anna fits in with a bunch of rich snobs, Liam's history with his family, as well as the growing relationship between Anna and Liam. Maybe the premise is a little crazy if you think about it for too long, but I really had fun with this one. Recommended.

*Christina Lauren are the two first names of two writers who write together.

#19 [2025/CBR17] The Rom-Commers by Katherine Center

CBR17Bingo: Red (for the red in the cover)

I can't remember now how I found The Rom-Commers (2024) by Katherine Center, but I was probably just browsing my library's catalog looking for an available Audiobook to listen to on my commute. This was an occasionally fun "rom-com" that played on some of the tropes of the genre for its own purposes. However, this wasn't one of my favorites because the relationship wasn't very memorable.

Emma Wheeler is a talented writer who lives in the Northwest and is the sole caretaker of her father after a climbing accident while her younger sister finishes school. She's pretty much given up on her dreams of becoming a famous screenwriter because of her circumstances.

But when an ex-boyfriend from high school (who is now gay) asks Emma to come to Los Angeles for six weeks to rewrite a romantic comedy screenplay, she might just have a second chance. Charlie Yates is a famous, celebrated screenwriter who has just written the aforementioned, terrible screenplay. Emma is one of his biggest fans, but once she reads the screenplay, she knows it needs a ton of work. In fact, she is horrified by all of it.

Unfortunately for both Emma and Charlie, Emma's ex-boyfriend didn't tell Charlie anything about bringing another writer in to help him with his screenplay--let alone warn Charlie that Emma would be staying at his house. Their meet cute involves Charlie being remarkably rude, and Emma storming off. Eventually, the two are convinced to work with each other. 

Emma is still not happy, though. Charlie doesn't even believe in love. He only wrote the screenplay as a vehicle for the studio head's mistress, so the studio head will greenlight a project he actually cares about. Emma takes it upon herself to teach Charlie about love. It's not surprising that after spending a lot of time together, the two start liking each other. It is definitely a slow burn.

In the end, Emma sucks it up and tells Charlie how she feels. I admire Emma here because she didn't pussyfoot around and allow misunderstandings and unspoken feelings to rule the day. Unfortunately, Charlie rudely rejects her. We find out later that it's because he thinks his cancer is back and doesn't want to force Emma into another caretaker role. I see where he's coming from, but honesty is more important here. I was also very annoyed at the author when I thought I read this whole, stupid book just to find out he has cancer at the end. (I should have known better. It was a false alarm.)

There were some fun parts in this novel. I enjoyed when Emma met Meryl Streep, and some of Hollywood glamour was interesting. On the whole, though, this one didn't really stick with me. But it was pleasant enough.

#18 [2025/CBR17] Our Missing Hearts by Celeste Ng

I've read a number of books by Celeste Ng, and I've even seen her in person at a book reading. I've enjoyed all of her books, and I usually end up reading her new books when I see they are out. However, Our Missing Hearts (2022) came out a while ago, and I somehow missed it until now. I thought Our Missing Hearts was interesting, powerful, and memorable. Because it takes place in a world not exactly like our own (although eerily familiar), it is also different from her previous books. It is probably best to go into this book knowing as little as possible. So, I don't recommend reading my review if you haven't already read the book or if you don't care about Spoilers.

Bird Gardner is twelve years old and lives alone with his father on the top floor of a student dorm. His father used to be a linguist, but now he shelves books at the University library. Bird's mother disappeared mysteriously when Bird was only nine years old, and Bird and his father never talk about her. The reader is dropped into this story and into Bird's world. At first, much like Bird who was too young when his mother left, we don't understand what happened to make her leave. But slowly we learn all that has occurred.

Bird's world is not exactly the United States that we know now. After a severe, global, economic depression, there is widespread violence and unrest. In response to this unrest, Congress passed the PACT (Preserving American Culture and Traditions) Act. This act pretty much requires patriotism and stifles dissent. But armed with the mandate to "protect children from environments espousing harmful views," it allows for children to be taken from anyone who dares to disagree with the government. This is generally done quietly, but it is a powerful tool for controlling any protester.

Bird's mom is a poet, and when one of her poems becomes an anthem of protest, she is perceived as a spokesperson in a conflict that she wanted no part of. All of a sudden her small, loving family is facing harassment, job insecurity, and the loss of their child. In desperation, they decide that Bird would be safer if she is out of the picture. And so she disappears. Birds mother was far from a radical rebel until her own life was so negatively impacted, and she could see how bad things really were.

Bird was quietly living his life until he received a mysterious note. He knows it's from his mother, and he is eventually able to decipher it and find her. He has very mixed feelings towards her because he loves her, but he also feels abandoned. 

Race plays an important part throughout this book. Birds mother is Chinese American and Bird is half Chinese. Because China was blamed for starting the recession, there is rampant anti-Asian discrimination in this book.

When I began reading, I didn't realize that this book was a little dystopian. So I actually googled PACT to see if it was real. It seemed like something that could be true, but I wasn't familiar with it. It turns out Ng made PACT up for the purposes of the book. However, it is not very farfetched, which makes this book feel very familiar and disturbing. It wasn't that long ago that Native American children were taken away from their families for a "better life" and Japanese Americans lost everything and were put in internment camps. In addition, anti-Asian sentiment increased just recently during COVID after China was blamed for the pandemic.

I really thought Ng did a masterful job in slowly unveiling what kind of world Bird was living in, and what his family was facing. The characterization of Bird, his parents, and even Bird's young friend who has lost her parents is fantastic. Ng does such a good job that I felt what each character was feeling, and it was often heartbreaking. Although I did not like the end of the book quite as much as the beginning, it is definitely still worth reading. Recommended.

#17 [2025/CBR17] Orbital by Samantha Harvey

I stumbled upon Chris Hadfield's Masterclass on space travel almost by accident. [Chris Hadfield is a Canadian test pilot and astronaut who has spent a considerable amount of time on the International Space Station.] I had a coworker who firmly believed the Earth was flat, and I firmly disagreed. But I also knew very little about space. So every time my coworker blurted out another random "fact" that he had picked up from the internet, I was baffled. Thus, Chris Hadfield's Masterclass on space travel to the rescue. Considering I wasn't especially interested in the topic, I found Hadfield's Masterclass fascinating--although not particularly helpful in dealing with my crazy coworker. After that class, as well as some Youtube videos featuring Hadfield, I really felt like I understood some of what it felt like to travel in space. And this book gave me a similar feeling.

Orbital (c)2023 by Samantha Harvey was one of Barack Obama's Favorite Books of 2024. It also won a bunch of prizes and awards, including the Booker Prize. It is a slim novel that follows six astronauts at the International Space Station for twenty four hours. The astronauts hail from America, Russia, Italy, Britain, and Japan. Because of the speed of the ISS as it orbits the Earth, they experience sixteen sunrises and sunsets throughout their twenty four hours.

This book is something of a quiet meditation. There is not much excitement or drama, just a single, uneventful day in the lives of six astronauts in space. We get to see the lives of each astronaut in turn as they complete their regimented schedules--taking time to look out the window on what is going down below them.

I have forgotten all the names now, but two storylines really stuck with me. First, the Japanese astronaut has recently learned that her mother has passed away down on Earth. She is dealing with her grief and isolation when she wants to be with her family. We even see the space station from her mother's point of view before she dies. Second, there is a hurricane building power and threatening Indonesia and the Philippines. The astronauts are tasked with taking pictures and relaying information back down to Earth whenever the hurricane is within view. But one of the astronauts made friends with a fisherman and his family in the area when they were scuba diving. He worries for his friend and his family, and he wonders what will happen to them as he sits up in space.

Although this book could be slow at times, it showed the Earth from a different perspective than we non-astronauts ever see. One beautiful planet with no obvious distinctions between countries. The clouds, storms, deserts, mountains, and majestic lakes on one giant ball that somehow supports all of humanity--except for those six astronauts out on their own. 

#15 [2025/CBR17] Deep End by Ali Hazelwood

Ali Hazelwood is churning out her feminist STEM romance novels so fast, that I'm barely keeping up. As soon as I discover another one is out, then I join the long waitlist at the library. Deep End (2025) did not disappoint. I loved that the book took place at Stanford with student athletes. I thought the story was interesting, and the chemistry between the leads was great. Was it a perfect book? No, but I enjoyed reading it and would give it four out of five stars.

Scarlett Vandemeer, who goes by Vandy, is a diver at Stanford. She can be a little reclusive and awkward. Penelope is one of the stars of the diving team. She's gorgeous and seems to have everything--including Lukas, the Swedish superstar swimmer who already has Olympic medals. But when Penelope confides in Vandy that she wants to break up with Lukas because he's into BDSM, and she feels they're not compatible sexually, Vandy confesses that she's also into BDSM, and tries to advise Penelope.

Penelope and Lukas do break up. When Penelope is drunk at a party, she tells Lukas and Vandy they should hook up because they're both into the same things. At the time, this is just an awkward situation to work around, but neither Lukas nor Vandy forget. When they continue to find themselves together, their mutual attraction is undeniable.

Vandy really likes Lukas, but she does not want to hook up with her friend's ex-boyfriend. Eventually, she gives in to her attraction, but she's not comfortable telling Penelope about it. This continues while they both compete in swimming and diving and get even closer to each other. Vandy and Lukas are a very good couple. Their main problem is that Vandy keeps pushing him away because of Penelope. Eventually this all comes to a head, and everyone lives happily ever after. 

First, I enjoyed that the main characters in this novel were athletes. It felt a little different from Hazelwood's other books, and it was interesting to see what the life of an elite student athlete was like. Second, I thought Vandy and Lukas had great chemistry. I read some reviews on Goodreads that were complaining that the book was not very kinky after Hazelwood warned of kink at the beginning of the book. I would agree that it felt lightly kinky. But having read Hazelwood's other books, this felt like a natural progression after the mild introduction of control in Not in Love. On the whole, I enjoyed this book, and I'm looking forward to reading her next one.

#14 [2024/CBR17] Onyx Storm by Rebecca Yarros

I've already spent a lot of time reading the Empyrean Series by Rebecca Yarros, so I quickly picked up Book 3 of the series when it became available to me. Onyx Storm (2025) continues to follow Violet Sorrengail and her loves and adventures in the Kingdom of Navarre. Violet is still technically a student. She is in her third year in the dragon school that kills at least twice as many people as it graduates. She has been chosen by two very special dragons and is one of the most powerful students there.

Although there have been some interesting and moving scenes in every book of Yarros's Empyrean Series, I am losing interest. The story just goes on for so long, and there are so many details and people, that they're hard to keep straight. 

In this book, the love of Violet's life, Xaden, has turned to the dark side. He was forced to channel the evil power in order to save the city and the school. At this point, he can still control himself, but it is definitely an obstacle in their relationship.

Violet, Xaden, and a small group are sent down South to look for the seventh breed of dragon, which is needed to power their wards and keep them safe back home. Violet is also looking for anything that might cure Xaden before he loses himself.

At the same time, a very powerful, evil, dark wielder named Theophanie keeps showing up because she wants to turn Violet into Venin herself. Theophanie seems to give up and go away at opportune times, but Violet knows she will have to face her one day. At some point, the seventh breed of the dragon comes and helps them power their ward. However, it also convinces Andarna (one of Violet's dragons), that she should break her bond with Violet and go learn from them. Andarna leaves Violet, and it almost kills her. (I did find this to be a very touching scene.)

After dragons are captured and a major battle, Xaden is forced to channel again, and he turns fully Venin. Violet is able to kill Theophanie, but she has lost Xaden and Andarna. When she wakes up, Xaden is nowhere to be found, Violet cannot remember the last couple of hours, and Violet is apparently married to Xaden. This one definitely ended on a cliffhanger.

Onyx Storm is Book 3 of what will apparently be a five book series. Part of me wants to just be done with this series and let the other books lie. However, I am almost positive that Xaden and Violet end up together, and now I'm curious how that will work with Xaden being evil and all. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. With only two more books to go, it just might be worth it.

P.S. I've heard people say this this book was much better than the second book. I'm not sure I agree. I think I liked the first book the best so far.

#13 [2025/CBR17] Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter

I've read Cop Town by Karin Slaughter, which I appreciated for a number of reasons. So when I found Pretty Girls (2016) by the same author under "popular audiobooks" at the library's website, I downloaded it almost immediately. Slaughter seems to write gritty, violent books, but I was unprepared for this one. Knowing what I know now, I would not have chosen to read it. Although I did finish it, the violence and darkness was too much for me. I did think it was well-written, but I would not personally recommend it.

Julia, Lydia, and Claire are three sisters with a seemingly perfect family. Their mother and father love both each other and their kids very much. But everything falls apart when the eldest daughter, Julia, disappears from college at the University of Georgia. She is only nineteen years old. 

At first the community rallies around the family, looking everywhere for the beautiful teenager who has disappeared. But when no trace of her is found, the cops decide that Julia must have run away. As time passes, most people move on with their lives. But Julia's parents can't take the stress and split up. Lydia becomes a drug addict, and becomes estranged from the rest of her family. Their father eventually commits suicide after obsessing over his daughter's case for years.

Now, twenty years later, another young woman has just vanished. Both Claire and Lydia are very aware of the similarities of the missing girl and their sister. But when Claire's husband, Paul, is murdered in the street in front of her eyes, her entire life as she knows it is over.

***SPOILERS*** AND ***TRIGGER WARNING***

While going through Paul's computer to find his work files, she stumbles upon some pornographic videos. At first, she's not concerned, but the scene quickly turns into one of harrowing violence and murder. (I don't have any interest in going into the details here.) This leads Claire to get back in touch with Lydia and the two try to figure out what's going on.

Halfway through the book, we learn that Paul is actually alive and he was the torturer/murderer that Claire had first seen on the screen. He has a list of clients that he sells his videos to, and there are a sickening number of both clients and victims throughout the years. 

You would think I'd almost be done with the book by now, but there was still almost half of it to go. Paul kidnaps Lydia, leaving Claire alone (for some reason that was not wholly satisfactory to me at the time.) But there was more to endure. This included detailed torture as well as learning that almost everyone in the world was involved

***END SPOILERS***

This was a generally well-written book. I did especially like the beginning as Slaughter slowly introduces the different characters, and we don't yet know how they are related. However, I was horrified by that first violent scene, and I was cringing whenever things got violent in the book after that. The more violence that I see at work, the less I want to see it in my entertainment. And these scenes were especially disturbing to me. I cannot stomach people intentionally hurting others. I looked at some of the reviews, and the majority were enthusiastically positive, so others may still enjoy this book. However, this one was hard for me to get through.

#12 The Last Ranger by Peter Heller

Peter Heller is a local writer who is only one degree of separation away from me: He apparently knows a guy I kind of dated a long time ago. But this slim brush with celebrity is not why I continue to read his books. I enjoy his writing and like his focus on nature. 

In The Last Ranger (2023), Ren is an enforcement ranger in Yellowstone National Park. He deals with car accidents, campers' disputes, law enforcement, and poaching. He is a haunted man who hasn't really dealt with his past, which includes an alcoholic mother and the early death of his wife. His wife intentionally overdosed after dealing with painful congenital health problems that were only going to get worse. 

Peter lives in the park in a small cabin built for employees. The next closest cabin is inhabited by Hilly, a dedicated wolf researcher, who cares more about her wolves than people. As anyone who has spent much time out West, the conflict between people who want wolves in the wild and those who don't is pretty intense. Even though Yellowstone is protected from hunting, ranchers kill the wolves as soon as they step out of the park. In addition, poachers even come into the park and kill wolves. 

After a wolf is killed in Yellowstone, Ren begins investigating who could have killed it. But then Hilly is badly hurt and almost dies, and Ren bumps up his investigation even more. He desperately wants to find out who is responsible. 

For the most part, I enjoyed reading this book. I think a part of me wished I had become a forest or park ranger. So, being able to read in detail about the life of a park ranger--even an enforcement ranger--was quite interesting. There was also suspense and mystery while Ren tried to tracked down who was killing the wolves and potentially endangering Hilly. 

I was also generally impressed by how Heller addressed the wolf debate. It is a very angry and political topic, but Heller seemed to dive right in with no fear.

***SPOILERS***

My only complaint was the end of the book. It turns out that the guy who is poaching wolves in the park gets paid $1,000 per head. But he wasn't killing wolves because he's a bad guy who hates wolves. It turns out that his wife has cancer, and he's trying to pay for her treatment, which costs $7,000 per month. This felt a little melodramatic and unearned--like I had suddenly tuned into a soap opera. Killing wolves to pay for cancer treatment isn't even a realistic solution. He can't kill enough wolves to keep up with that kind of cost. Maybe he's just desperately making money anyway he can, but this whole plotline felt out of the blue. With the book from Ren's point of view, I felt that it certainly leaned towards the pro-wolf side of the debate. I wonder if this was Heller's attempt at bringing in some sympathy for the other side. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work for me. In a book that feels pretty realistic, the ending was kind of annoying.

***END SPOILERS***

Every Heller book I've read, I've enjoyed and found interesting. However, there's always a little something that doesn't feel quite right or takes me out of the story. Heller sometimes reminds me of Cormac McCarthy, but not quite as good with his characters or as committing to a realistic narrative. However, I enjoy Heller's descriptions, locations, and stories, and I will continue reading his books.

#11 [2025/CBR17] Not in Love by Ali Hazelwood

Ali Hazelwood is an automatic read for me now. I always enjoy reading her books, even when the characters drive me crazy. This is because they are likeable and funny--but in order to make the story work, they can be insanely obtuse when it comes to love. Apparently, I was a little obtuse because I only recently realized that Hazelwood had two new books out.

I picked up Not in Love (2024) first, which centers around Rue. Rue is a little atypical. She only has a couple of friends, including her boss, she lives alone with a lot of plants, and her life is very regimented. Rue is not very interested in a long-term relationship--in fact, she's not even interested in more than one date. But she does have needs, so every once in awhile she finds someone on a dating app to fulfill those needs.

One evening Rue is waiting in the hotel for her latest date when Eli shows up. They've matched online and are immediately attracted to each other in a very intense way--which seems to happen a lot in romance novels, but only rarely in real life. Unfortunately for them both, they are interrupted and both leave unsatisfied. However, the next day, she sees Eli at the most unexpected of places--her work.

Eli and three close friends have a company that buys other tech companies. Eli's company has just bought out the loan for the small biotech company that Rue works for, and everyone at Rue's company is worried about the implications for their jobs and livelihoods. 

Rue is now stuck between a rock and a hard place. She is deeply attracted to Eli, but she now sees him as an enemy from whom she needs to keep her distance. Rue is very close friends with the president of her company, and Rue owes her so much. Every time she spends time with Eli she feels guilty. 

The rest of the book is Rue and Eli getting closer and closer while the drama of the takeover continues. Hazelwood experimented with some light BDSM between Rue and Eli, something I had not seen in her books before. Eventually Rue discovers why Eli's company was so interested in attaining her small biotech firm, and everything starts to make sense.

I thought this book was a fun, engaging read. I liked the characters and were happy they ended up together. The backdrop of the scientific betrayals, patents, and overtaking other companies added to the story and the relationship without dragging down the tempo. Did Rue and Eli feel like real people? Maybe not. Was their relationship too good to be true? Maybe. But that's what romances are for, and it was entertaining.

#10 [2025/CBR17] Roomies by Christina Lauren

I now feel like I'm wasting time if I'm not listening to an audiobook while I'm in my car, so I'm always on the lookout for a book that will hopefully work well for listening. I've read a couple of books by Christina Lauren (two writing-partner friends who smash their first names together to make one author's name), so when I saw Roomies (2017) available at the library, I figured I would enjoy listening to it. Unfortunately, this one was not my favorite. There were some good parts, but it just didn't draw me in as some of her others have.

Holland Bakker has a crush on a musician who plays guitar at her subway station. She actively changes her routine and goes out of her way to be able to hear him. Then one day, late at night, she is pushed onto the tracks by a crazy guy. The sexy guitar player (Calvin McLoughlin) sees what happens and calls for help. But he disappears as soon as help gets on the scene.

Holland is a nepo baby because her Uncle is a famous musician and Broadway's hottest musical director, and he got her a job at his theater. When her Uncle's show needs another musician, she recommends her sexy guitar player friend. After Calvin plays for Holland's uncle, he is offered the job. Unfortunately, he can't take it because he had an education Visa from Ireland, but he's overstayed for years. He cannot legally work in the United States.

Holland's direct boss is a bit of a dick, and he proposes that Holland marry Calvin, so that Calvin can get his Green Card. Everyone shoots down this ridiculous idea, but it sticks with Holland. She proposes the idea to Calvin, and before they know it, the two are married.

Suddenly, Calvin has moved in with Holland, and the two are learning as much about each other as possible as they prep for government interviews. They find that they really get along and are quite attracted to each other as well.

Calvin and Holland are likable people, and I wanted to see them be together and do well. I liked a lot of their interactions, and the writing was often good and fun.

On the other hand, I had some problems with some aspects of this story, and even some aspects of the romance.

-Holland is pushed onto the subway tracks by a crazy man, and Calvin just calls for help and disappears? He doesn't help her get out from a potentially lethal spot on the tracks? Did I miss something while I was listening? I was expecting a lot more from a romance hero.

-Holland and Calvin make a big deal of texting fake, sexy text messages to each other in order to "prove" their relationship to the powers that be. I don't see how less than a week of text messages would show that they'd been seriously dating for six months before getting married. If anything, it would highlight the opposite--that they'd only started communicating. Maybe they could both say that they just got new phones and lost their text messages??? Anyway, there were a number of problems with the believable marriage part of the storyline that made the story distracting.

-Finally, the first time Holland and Calvin have sex, they wake up in bed together, both too drunk and hungover to even remember what had happened the night before. Eventually, we kind of find out what happened during flashbacks, but I don't find black-out-drunk sex very sexy.

So, this wasn't a bad book, but I came in with high expectations, and they weren't quite met. Maybe I like Christina Lauren books that are more fanciful because then I'm not distracted by the parts of the plot that feel too unrealistic.

#9 [2025/CBR17] The Anthropologists by Ayşegül Savaş

I read The Anthropologists (2024) by Ayşegül Savaş solely because Barack Obama put it on his Favorite Books List. Although Obama and I don't have exactly the same taste in books, I appreciate that his choices are always well written and thought provoking. 

The Anthropologists is a short, quiet novel that centers around a young couple in New York City. The two are looking to buy their first home together. Asya first came to the United States to go to college, where she met her husband, Manu. Manu was also a foreign student, but they are from different countries (the book never explicitly states which countries). Asya is a film documentarian who has just received a grant to work on something new. She's decided to focus on her neighborhood park and the people who go there. She spends many hours talking with people and filming at the park.

This book is not plot-driven but instead focuses on its characters and how each creates community for themselves. Asya often feels like she lacks community and doesn't really belong in New York City. She thinks she should be more involved and have more friends. When she looks at other people, she imagines that they have everything figured out in a way that she does not. 

Asya has the culture and community that she grew up with, but all of that is so far away. She talks to her mother and grandmother on the phone often, but she feels distinct from their lives. She's afraid that her family will see that the United States has changed her. She can't even speak her native language with her husband because they have to communicate in their shared language, Enlgish. Asya only has a couple of friends, which feels insufficient to her. 

Every prospective home they visit invites Asya and Manu to imagine a different kind of life they could live. Initially, they are not sure what direction they want to go, or what one would fit them the best. 

Perhaps because everything happens so quietly and slowly, Asya and Manu do not even realize that they are creating their own community around themselves. First, they have each other. They have a great relationship and are not wandering around that giant city by themselves. Second, they befriend people who pop up in their lives. This includes their elderly upstairs neighbor. In addition, some of their friends are dating and finding their own lives, and their circle is constantly expanding.

This book is very quiet and contemplative, but it was well written and easy to read. I could understand how Asya and Manu feel torn between their new home and their family in their home countries. On the whole, this is an optimistic book as Asya and Manu find their places.

#7 [2025/CBR17] The Women by Kristin Hannah

The Women (2024) is now the third book I've read by Kristin Hannah. I started with The Great Alone, which I loved. Then I moved on to The Nightingale, which I'd seen on countless 'best of' lists. There were some good things about The Nightingale, but on the whole, I was disappointed with it. So, it was with just a little bit of trepidation that I started The Women. Fortunately, I thought The Women was a very good book. I would put it behind The Great Alone, but significantly ahead of The Nightingale.

The Women follows Frances "Frankie" McGrath as she becomes an army nurse in Vietnam. Frankie grew up in a very privileged home on Coronado Island in San Diego. After her beloved brother graduates from the Naval Academy and goes to Vietnam, Frankie decides that she wants to go there as well. Unfortunately, shortly after her decision, her family is informed that Frankie's brother was killed in action. Frankie's parents do not want her going to Vietnam, and she is struggling with grief over her brother's death, but it's too late.

The first half of the book is all about Frankie's experiences in Vietnam. Her culture shock when she arrives, and the noise, bombardment, and violent injuries she sees all deeply affect her. This book really dives into the violence that Frankie sees and the dangers she faces, as well as how everyone there dealt with the stress. Frankie goes from a FNG ("fucking new guy") with no practical skills to a dedicated and talented surgical nurse. She eventually becomes best friends with her roommates, Ethel and Barb. Frankie also falls for a couple men while she's out there: Jamie and Rye. After two tours, and after Ethel and Barb have already been home for some time, Frankie finally goes home herself.

The second half of the book is Frankie's life after Vietnam. Coming home after two years of unending violence and destruction is as much of a culture shock as first arriving in Vietnam was. I think Hannah did a very good job describing how hard these transitions were. When she comes home, the war is already very unpopular, and that is often taken out on those who were over there. Even at the airport, she is verbally attacked and refused taxi rides. But when she arrives home, the reaction from her parents is even worse. As Frankie tries to digest everything she's been through, her parents want to pretend it never happened. In fact, her father had told everyone that Frankie had been studying abroad in Florence this whole time.

Suddenly, Frankie is struggling with nightmares, flashbacks, and inexplicable anger. Time and again, Ethel and Barb come to Frankie's aid--helping her find some semblance of a normal life. Twice, in desperation, Frankie goes to the VA hospital seeking some kind of help, but she and her problems are abruptly dismissed. She is told "there are no women in Vietnam" and that she wasn't in combat, so she needs to solve her own problems. This was so frustrating to read because it was so obvious that Frankie desperately needed help.

Eventually things come to a head, and Frankie is able to go to an in-patient clinic for addiction. There she is finally treated for PTSD, and she is able to make some progress.

Like I said above, I did enjoy this book. Frankie was a complex, often troubled character, and I wanted the best for her. The book was easy to read and very much a page turner. I read the entire last third of the book one morning when I had plenty of other things to do. I also really appreciate that Hannah focused on the women in the Vietnam war, as they are often overlooked. I thought Hannah did a very good job with Frankie's struggles as she joined the war and then tried to get away from it.

Like The Nightingale, there were a lot of coincidences and somewhat unbelievable aspects to this story. It's something I probably paid more attention to after reading The Nightingale. These coincidences/storylines made the story dramatic, but were often just on the edge of being too much--maybe even spilling over to make the story less believable. For instance, Frankie learns of her brother's death the moment that she is telling her mother that she has enlisted. In addition, many people die in Frankie's arms, and they all seem to survive the exact amount of time it takes for Hannah to describe them. Finally, Frankie just happens to run into a man in three different places across the country because he might just be the next love interest. There are some others that would get into some bigger spoilers, so I will leave it at that. However, even though I noticed some of these unlikely coincidences, this book was still moving and informative. Recommended.

#5 [2025/CBR17] Mastering the Art of French Murder by Colleen Cambridge

We chose Mastering the Art of French Murder (2023) by Colleen Cambridge for our next book club book. A young American woman who lives in Paris after World War II solves a murder with the help of her friend, Julia Child. I had never heard of this mystery novel before and wasn't too sure what to expect from it. I enjoy the occasional mysteries, and I like The Great British Baking Show, but I'm not much into cooking. I wasn't sure how I felt about reading about cooking--and/or how the mystery and cooking elements would mesh. But in the end, it was a fun, interesting book. The characters were likeable, and the story was often suspenseful. Apparently, this novel was the beginning of a trilogy, and I think I'll be reading the second book on my upcoming vacation.

Tabitha Knight moved to Paris to live with her grandfather after World War II. She grew up in Detroit, and during the war she'd fixed airplanes. However, since the war, Tabitha had been pushed out of her job by the returning servicemen, and she'd become disenchanted with her options. So she traveled to Paris, where she helps take care of her grandfather and his companion, whom she calls Oncle Rafe. Because of her French mother and grandmother, Tabitha speaks French fluently and sometimes tutors other Americans in Paris.

Tabitha first met Julia Child at the market, and they've become good friends. I only know Meryl Streep's version of Julia Child from Julie and Julia, and the book describes her in a very similar fashion. She seems delightful. Anyway, Julia, her husband Paul, and Julia's sister Dorothy all live together across the way from Tabitha's grandfather. One day, after a late theater party with Dorothy's friends at the Child flat, the body of a young woman who had been at the party, is discovered in the basement. She'd been stabbed to death with one of Julia Child's cooking knives. And Tabitha's name and number is discovered in her coat.

Tabitha's father was a detective, and her natural curiosity gets the better of her as she begins to nose around the case. The French inspector, M. Merveille does not appreciate her intrusions, and the two have an interesting dynamic throughout the book. Tabitha often finds herself in danger as she discovers clue after clue. There are a series of very lucky coincidences that allow Tabitha to solve the case, but the book acknowledges these with throwbacks to all the mystery novels Tabitha loved to read as a child.

In the end, the conclusion of the mystery was a little bit of a let down. But because the book itself was fun and sometimes suspenseful, it was easy to overlook the details of the murders. Recommended.

#3 [2025/CBR17] Slow Dance by Rainbow Rowell

"An Ode to my High School Crush"

I've read a number of books by Rainbow Rowell and always enjoyed them. She writes quiet, introspective, romantic, young-adultish novels with atypical protagonists. So, when I saw that Rowell had a new book out, Slow Dance (2024), I put it on hold immediately. Not surprisingly, I enjoyed this novel. It had well-written, flawed, believable characters, and a similar feel to her other books.

Cary, Shiloh, and Mikey are best friends in high school. But Cary and Shiloh have a special bond. He drives her home every day, and they are more often than not together. Shiloh is constantly bothering him, poking him, and touching him. But despite what seems obvious to everyone else, they remain completely platonic. The book jumps back and forth in time from high school, to college, to the present day.

It's only after graduation, when Cary comes to visit Shiloh in college, that things change. Cary has joined the Navy and made it through bootcamp, and he only has a couple of days to spend with Shiloh. Their relationship is suddenly no longer platonic, but they also don't know how to take things to another level. It seems impossible with Shiloh in school and Cary heading off to his first assignment in the Navy. Eventually their letters peter off, and shortly after that Shiloh begins dating. After her marriage to Ryan, another theater guy from college, Cary and Shiloh lose touch.

Fourteen years later, Cary and Shiloh see each other again at Mikey's wedding. So much has happened, but it seems their attachment to each other has not changed. The two have many misunderstandings and hurt feelings, but they're still very close. Unfortunately, things are even more complicated now. Shiloh has two kids, and Cary spends months at a time on a ship across the world.

I really enjoyed this book. Rowell's characters always feel odd and interesting, yet still like real people. I was rooting for them from the beginning. But what hit me--viscerally and immediately--when I read this book was how much it reminded me of the boy I became very attached to in high school. Let's just call him Matt.* 

I didn't really get to know Matt until my junior year, when he was a senior. We were both in band. I can't remember meeting him, but we became friends and slowly started spending more and more time together. He was a genuinely good person, insanely smart, and a truly amazing piano player. I really admired him. He often drove me home, we saw movies together, he introduced me to amazing music I'd never heard before, and he helped me with my Physics homework.

I had a number of sweet, memorable experiences with Matt. One day he stayed with me after school (I can't remember what I was waiting for), and we were alone in the lockers behind the band room. We were talking and stayed so still that the automatic lights turned off. Then it turned into a game to keep the lights off. We tried moving very slowly, and inch by inch, rolling around on the floor. It was silly and ridiculous, and I had so much fun with him. 

Even with the admiration and affection I had for him, it took a long time for me to realize I *liked* Matt. I think I struggled with low self esteem, so it was hard for me to imagine myself as anyone's love interest. Also, I was absolutely petrified of rejection. It didn't help when another young lady showed interest in Matt, and I couldn't imagine that he would ever choose me over her. Despite how comfortable I was with him and how close I felt to him, our relationship was always purely platonic.

One day, I thought I might risk everything and see if he wanted to go to prom with me. While he drove me home, I'd keep taking a breath and saying, "Okay"--trying to get myself to just blurt it out. But I couldn't do it. Another time, a mutual friend (but more Matt's friend) asked me if I was interested in Matt during Physics class. My knee-jerk, defensive reaction was, "no". There was no way I was baring my tender feelings to that guy in the middle of class.

When Matt began receiving his acceptance letters to colleges, we would drive by his house first to check the mail before he drove me home. I was so excited for him, but I was also miserable that he would be leaving me behind. 

In the end, Matt got into Stanford, a school that did not accept me the next year when I applied. We definitely saw each other again, but I never felt that same closeness and potential for more that I had felt in high school. Even so, it took me forever to get over him, and I was pining for a ridiculous amount of time. 

Rowell's book made me wonder what would have happened if we'd actually gotten together in high school. Maybe a real relationship with someone I liked so much when I was young would have been amazing--affecting the trajectory of my dating life forever. But it's also hard to imagine a relationship lasting through five or more years of separation as we went to different colleges. And if I was pining that badly for him and we'd never even kissed, I can only imagine how bad it would be if we'd been a real couple for awhile. Also, if we were too uncertain and immature to tell each other how we felt, maybe the friendship we had was perfect for the circumstances of our lives at the time. I might only be pretending it could have been better because it never actually happened to prove me wrong. (And it's also very possible that he just didn't like me.)

Since Matt, I have dated a number of guys who were varying levels of not right for me and not good for me. And then I found one that was both right for me and good for me, and we got married a couple of years ago. I haven't thought about Matt or all the angst of high school in so many years. However, the part of this book when Shiloh and Cary are in high school brought the memories and nostalgia back hard.**

*Because his name was Matt

**It looks like this has turned into one part review and five parts therapy, but it felt good to excavate and examine my feelings about this after so much time. Thank you for your patience.