#51 [2025/CBR17] The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

I feel like I've read a string of self-help books lately, and I still have a couple more to go. The Let Them Theory (2024) by Mel Robbins was another recommendation from my therapist. I thought it was easy to follow, interesting to read, and had generally helpful advice. I've definitely been thinking about some of her recommendations and using it in my own life.

Early on in her book, Robbins mentions that she's good at distilling a lot of information into clear, easy-to-understand bites. I think she's successful in doing this for The Let Them Theory. When you look at the whole book, there really is a lot of information, but Robbins narrows it all down to, "Let Them," and "Let Me." The gist is that you can't control other people, and the more you try, the more anxious and miserable you get. So you "let them" do whatever it is they're going to do anyway. But then you "let me" do whatever work that needs to be done to make you happier about the situation.

For example, if your boss is horrible, don't waste your time and attention focusing on how you'd like your boss to be better. Focus on actions that you can take. The best option is often finding a new job, but it is also what will make you happier in the long run. Robbins takes this theory to every part of life, including work, family, friendships, and romantic relationships.

Robbins includes a section on friendship where she explains the difference between friendships as children and friendships as adults. This wasn't new information, but it was presented well. Robbins states that you have to be more flexible with adult relationships because moving, stress, children, spouses, etc., can all affect friendships in the short and long term.

Robbins also has a section on romantic relationships, which fits well with her "Let Them" theory. When someone says they're not interested in you, let them, and move on. This section reminded me of He's Just Not That Into You, because it basically says the same things. I was impressed by how Robbins described how painful breakups can be, but how important it is to move on. I agree with her completely, although I'm not sure if I would have been able to follow this advice when I was younger. I still might have been slow to see and accept the disinterest.

The most difficult section for me was when Robbins discussed dealing with people you care deeply about who are not doing well. This would include alcoholism, depression, weight gain, gambling, unable to support yourself, and/or making generally bad decisions in life. Robbins says you have to "let them" because trying to influence someone usually has the opposite effect, and it will only worsen your relationship with them. People have to decide for themselves if they want change. 

Robbins says that adults have to feel the pain of their bad decisions before they might want to change. If you protect them from their bad decisions, then they will never have the motivation to change. You can support them if they want help, but you should not enable their bad behavior. It's a tricky line, and it sometimes means leaving people out to either get better or die. It's definitely another thing that's easier said than done.

Robbins says the only way you can influence someone is by modeling good behavior, which will hopefully encourage them to follow your good example eventually. The only other thing to do is follow her "ABC's of asking questions." ABC's include:

APOLOGIZE (for being judgmental and trying to butt into their lives), then ASK open-ended questions

BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR

CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model CHANGE

I found this book pretty easy to read with some useful information. I appreciated that Robbins was very open and honest about her own life and the problems she has struggled with. I think this made it easier to take advice from her.