One great struggle for Febos was her early sexual development. She had hips and breasts before her peers. Not only was she self conscious because she was not skinny like her friends, but she received a lot of unwanted attention from boys and men much older than her. On some level, attention from boys was positive because she saw her body through the eyes of others. On the other hand, Febos was labeled a "slut" at school and doggedly bullied and harassed. It started when she was only eleven years old.
"A 2011 American Association of University Women (AAUW) school survey shows that early development is the most common attribute of sexually harassed students, followed closely by perceived prettiness." (43)
"Living inside my body has already become a fraught existence. If I were going to be defined by the gaze of other people, why wouldn't I step toward the ones that made me feel beautiful?" (46)
"They told us to say no to so many things in school, but never how." (64)
"Girls were not supposed to be enormous. They were not supposed to be scabby and strong. Inexplicably, strong and big were what every animal wanted except us." (104-105)
"In school, I learned to talk less. I moved slower and hid my body in oversize clothes. I longed to be a smaller and cooler thing, less wanting, less everything." (107)
"I had considered the value of my body primarily as it related to other people, namely men." (120)
As soon as Febos became an adolescent, the pleasure she found in her own body and her natural unselfconsciousness were lost because she was taught to be ashamed of her own pleasures and her own body.
My own adolescence was a very different experience but also depressingly relatable in many ways. Instead of early development, I was a tall, skinny, beanpole. I was impossibly far from the feminine ideal, and I had correspondingly low self esteem. I'm sure I wouldn't have known what to do with myself if I'd had attention from inappropriate men or boys, and the result would have been similar to Febos's experiences. It wasn't until I was much older and got into fitness that I finally had some appreciation for different types of bodies and specifically for mine.
Another topic that Febos explores is "empty consent"--as compared to enthusiastic consent. If someone agrees to do something because she's afraid of a guy's reaction if she doesn't comply, that consent is not worth much. Febos's early sexual experiences were not fun or pleasurable for her. The only thing she got out of it was harassment from people at school. Maybe technically she was consenting because she didn't say no, but it certainly was not the mutually satisfying experiences that we would wish for. Especially in adolescence, it feels like the cards are stacked against girls. Boys have the power to declare someone unwantable, they expect and receive most of the sexual pleasure, and they face few if any of the social consequences.
"Like me, Sarah consented to acts she did not want in order to avoid a worse trauma. Then she absorbed the consequences of that man's actions--both in her social life and in her own psyche." (230)
I found Girlhood to be well-written, insightful, and relatable. I included so many quotes because I really think that Febos said it best. Below are some more memorable quotes that I couldn't find a spot for in the review. Recommended.
"Hatred and fear of female sexuality is baked into the foundation of civilization as we know it, and sluts are most often women who threaten the colonial regimes of patriarchy and white supremacy." (93)
"Lies make fools of the people we love. It's a careful equation, protecting them at the cost of your betrayal." (183)
"I often think about all the years during which I expended enormous amounts of energy hating my body." (290)
",,,that my sexual visibility to men on the street has decreased in direct proportion to the increase in my own sexual fulfillment." (291)
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