I am lucky enough to have access to some therapy through work because my job is inherently stressful. Recently I've been struggling more with stress and anxiety, and my therapist recommended that I read Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (2011) by Kristin Neff.
I wasn't too sure about this book at first. Neff started out by saying, when you feel badly about yourself, you pick apart other people in order to make yourself feel better. I had trouble relating to this. I really do look for the best in people; I even look for the good qualities in people I don't like. I was starting to think that this book wasn't for me, but then Neff brought up perfectionism. She wrote that no one is perfect, and no one needs to be perfect. Messing up is just a part of being human. Now, this is not the first I've heard this kind of thing, but this time it kind of hit me and I almost felt a release: like I could let go and stop trying. It seemed too good to be true, and it was. I can't release a lifetime of tension simply by reading a couple of words, but it does give me something to think about and it helps me relax when I get too stressed about how things will turn out.
Another almost moment of release occurred when Neff wrote that everyone suffers, it is what makes us human, and brings us together. I spend a lot of effort railing against unfair suffering on behalf of me, my friends, my family and the world, as well as trying to guard myself against it. But this is an impossible task and only causes me additional suffering. It was a good reminder.
Neff's book argues that for many years, psychologists have focused on improving self esteem to better people's lives. But self-esteem isn't what makes people happy or compassionate. A better option is to focus on self-compassion. Her arguments make sense. First you want to be aware of your feelings and allow yourself to feel them. And then you can actively give yourself compassion for whatever suffering you're feeling in the moment. It might help to pretend that a friend of yours is in the same situation, and think of what you would say to them.
Neff references some studies showing why self-compassion is the best mindset for any number of variables. If people wonder whether focusing on self-compassion would make someone not want to work hard or become lazy, the opposite has been shown in studies. You don't have to beat yourself up in order to succeed. People who are happy and not afraid of making mistakes tend to have a lot of motivation.
Although this book sometimes felt a little too general or too repetitive, I'm glad I read it. It has changed my perspective in some ways, and I will try to keep it in mind moving forward.
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