#14 [2023/CBR15] How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis, L.P.C.

My biggest problem with chores, cleaning, and housework is procrastination fueled by misguided perfectionism. And now that I'm married and live in a real house of adequate size, with a cute but messy dog, my workload has increased substantially. I do realize that I still have it significantly easier than many others. I do not have kids to further muck things up or disabilities that hinder me, but I still feel that I am far from accomplishing what I want. So, when I saw How to Keep House While Drowning (2022) by KC Davis on NPR's Best Books List, it seemed like the perfect book to listen to on my commute.

How to Keep House While Drowning is a short self-help book with some useful tips when it comes to dreaded household and personal hygiene chores. Davis did hit upon procrastinators like me, but her primary focus was on people struggling with debilitating mental illness and/or poor executive functioning. She has tips for people who can't shower or brush their hair because they don't have the energy to get out of bed. Although I am not the intended audience for this information, it reminded me that my dirty house issues were small potatoes compared with what some people go through. Davis herself has two young kids, and has struggled with depression and addiction.

Davis's primary theme was to separate morality from cleanliness. A dirty kitchen is a dirty kitchen, it doesn't make you a bad person. Do what you can to keep people healthy and safe, but it never has to be perfect. Also, do what works for you. Davis realized that not folding her laundry saved tons of time. Sometimes she reruns her dishwasher with half clean dishes in it because she doesn't have the energy to put all the clean ones away. (This is good advice if you need it, but I have to admit, it makes me cringe because I'm anal and love clean dishes.) Think of chores you're doing today not as things you have to do, but as favors that you're doing for your future self tomorrow. 

I was hoping for some magical advice that would help me prioritize and feel on top of things, which was probably unrealistic. Although Davis only touched on my household chore issues, it has set up a (hopefully) healthier framework in which I can work. I like the idea that every little bit is improvement, and I like focusing on how much better I feel after things are clean and organized. I like the idea of doing myself favors.

#6 [2023/CBR15] What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo

I am on a roll with the books from NPR's Best Books List. My latest is What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing From Complex Trauma (2022) by Stephanie Foo. With my job, we inevitably run into a number of people who have suffered significant trauma. Sometimes they tell us, and sometimes we don't know the details, but it's evident in other ways. I feel like it helps me when I have a better understanding of what others have gone through and how trauma can affect them throughout their lives.

Although I feel that I've learned a lot about trauma, I still gained a greater understanding from reading this book. Foo discusses her very disturbing childhood, and how she survived it. But her violent and loveless upbringing continued to haunt her--even after she built a successful career and found herself in a healthy relationship. When her therapist told her that her issues could be summed up by Complex PTSD, she went on a mission to make heal herself and make her life better. This quest involved tons of reading, experimenting, and finding the best doctors who would work for her.

Complex PTSD often stems from child abuse--when a person faces traumatic experiences over and over again. In Foo's case, both of her parents were very physically abusive, threatened her life, denigrated her verbally, and then abandoned her when she was a teenager. It was horrifying to read about, and I cannot even imagine having to survive it. And yet, when Foo met other C-PTSD sufferers she was told she was lucky because at least she wasn't sexually abused. It kills me to think of so many children suffering at the hands of those who are supposed to protect them, and the long-term damage it does to them.

Besides exploring many different therapies and calming techniques, Foo explored generational trauma. Foo is of Chinese descent and was born in Malaysia. Many in her family faced horrible circumstances before coming to America and then racism when they arrived. However, there is very little information about how the traumas of the immigrant experience affect mental health. Interestingly, Foo pointed out that there are studies showing that trauma can permanently alter the DNA of the children of those who experienced it.

One other aspect that stuck with me is how important it is to find the right doctors: those who are smart, who are good at what they do, and who will actually help you. Foo's first therapist did help her, but there was a point when she needed to move on in order to continue improving. She tried some more in the interim that tried to make her feel bad when they weren't helping her. When she finally found the "right" one, it made a tremendous difference. The same thing happened with her OB-GYN. She was diagnosed with endometriosis, but the doctor ignored her wishes and her mental health problems--insisting on treatments that were making her worse both physically and mentally. When she found a woman who specialized in pelvic pain it made a world of difference.

One of my favorite sections in NPR's Best Books lists is "Eye-Opening Reads," and it is often one of the first sections I browse when the list comes out. It is how I found this book. When these books are good, they change my perceptions of the world, no matter how small. This book was no different.

#51 [2021/CBR13] Hidden Valley Road by Robert Kolker

I first saw Hidden Valley Road by Robert Kolker on NPR's Best Books of 2020. I have three brothers and one of them has Schizophrenia. It has been crippling for both him and our family. Hidden Valley Ranch caught my eye because it is the true story of a family with twelve kids: ten boys and two girls. Six of the boys were diagnosed with Schizophrenia when they were young adults. This book describes the history of the family, beginning with Don and Mimi Galvin: how they grew up, how they met, and their lives together. We also learn about each of the twelve Galvin children--although there are so many, it is honestly hard to keep them straight, especially the younger ones. The book also addresses what is known about the disease, how that's changed throughout the years, and what scientists learned from the Galvin family. I will probably discuss the whole book in this review, so it may be better to skip it if you plan on reading this one.

All of the Galvin children were born between 1945 and 1965. Their father was in the Air Force after the war and worked at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. You might wonder why they had twelve children. Don Galvin was Catholic, but both Don and Mimi's families--as well as their doctor--urged them to stop having kids. The book suggests that Mimi may have been trying to fill a hole in her life. Besides the large number, the children's upbringing seemed odd. On the one hand, the children were held to strict standards when it came to presenting themselves well and going to church. On the other hand, it sounded like the children had free rein and chaos was very much the norm.

Because of my experiences with my brother, I may have a better understanding of this disease than most people. So, I was confused and disturbed when Kolker started describing the violence and physical abuse going on in the Galvin household. The oldest brother, Jim, was especially sadistically mean toward his brothers. Later we understand that there was sexual abuse among the siblings as well. I was pretty sure that sexual and physical violence in children is not a hallmark of Schizophrenia. I figured there had to be some other explanation for that kind of behavior, and I was annoyed that people reading the book might think it stemmed from the Schizophrenia, which really didn't affect the boys until later.

What we discover later is that Jim (the oldest brother) was almost for sure sexually abused by a family friend and priest, and this abuse seemed to be passed down among some of the siblings. 

A significant portion of this book is dedicated to the science of Schizophrenia: what people knew about it then and what people know about it now. There has always been the nature v. nurture debate when it came to the causes of the disease. Unfortunately, back in the 1960's and 70's, it was common to blame the mother for sexist, made-up reasons with no scientific basis. Now we know that there is certainly a genetic component, but there are also probably environmental triggers that no one understands. One of the questions the book asks is if the boys would have been better off if they had been born later. The answer is not really. Maybe some of the medications have slightly less worse side effects, but that's about it. Now scientists know that Schizophrenia is a little bit genetic, but something environmental sets it off. 

The two youngest children were also the only girls of the family. They did not get sick. However, after watching more than half of their brothers spiral downward, they lived with the fear of losing their grip on reality. This fear continued when they had children of their own. It was also incredibly difficult to grow up in a house where very mentally ill brothers were constantly coming and going in between stints at mental hospitals.

This book was interesting and, for me, relatable. I can only imagine how horrifying it was for Mimi to lose the children she had such high hopes for, one after another, while the world blamed her for being a bad mother. Kolker does a good job in showing the long-term realities of the disease and what happens to those suffering from it. I sometimes wished that he had included a little more context--so we could understand what symptoms were from Schizophrenia and maybe explore where some of the violence and abuse was coming from. In addition, the medical side of the story was somewhat disappointing because even though the family was studied, there was no breakthrough in really understanding what's going on with the disease or hope for the future. I was hoping to learn something new to better understand what has happened to my brother. Unfortunately, I did not.

#27 [2020/CBR12] "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone" by Lori Gottlieb

My interest in psychology has increased recently, as I've wondered whether therapy might be good for me. I stumbled upon a Youtube channel called Psychology in Seattle with Dr. Kirk Honda. It was both interesting and informative, and Honda constantly reminds his listeners what a difference therapy can make in people's lives. About the same time, I found Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb on NPR's Best Books of 2019 List. This book gave me more insight into therapy and therapists. Finally, I have a relatively high-stress job, and they provide therapy for us at no cost--frequently encouraging their use. After a recent incident involving work as well as issues with my boyfriend, I felt the signs were all pointing in one direction.

So I sucked it up and finally contacted a therapist, and it's been good. I always thought that I could handle my own issues, but it's a relief to talk to someone who has insight into what's going on in my head and can put it in perspective. I've learned that I'm probably avoidant when it comes to attachment and relationships, which explains a lot about my feelings and worries when it comes to my boyfriend.

I had two main fears when it came to therapy. First, I did not want to admit that I needed help, but paradoxically I was also afraid that the therapist would find my issues inconsequential. I'm a functional, generally happy person, and I'm very aware of the many people who have it much worse than me. I was afraid that I'd come across as whining. But I go to the doctor even though there are people sicker than me. Just because some people have deeper mental health struggles than me isn't a good excuse for avoiding therapy.

But to get back on track, this is a review of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. Gottlieb writes a memoir about her life and job as a clinical psychologist and therapist. It focuses on how she went from working in Hollywood, to going to medical school, to finally settling into the field of psychology. Gottlieb also discusses how and when she had her son as well as her relationship with her fiancé. When her fiancé unexpectedly leaves her, Gottlieb is angry and heartbroken. She finds a therapist of her own to help her through the grieving process of her lost relationship.

One aspect of this book that I found quite interesting was Gottlieb's take on her own therapy. Even as a therapist, she was very cautious when it came to finding a therapist for herself. She was afraid of the stigma that comes with "needing therapy" and kept it quiet from her co-workers, lying to them when seeking recommendations. It was also interesting to see that, even with her education and insight, she needed the perspective from someone on the outside to show her how she was viewing her past relationship in an unhealthy light.

The other focus of the book is Gottlieb's own practice. She tells the stories (with permission and fake names) of four of her clients: Julie is a young, successful, newly-married woman who is dying of cancer; John comes across as an uncaring asshole with marriage problems; Charlotte is a 25-year-old alcoholic with daddy issues, dating emotionally detached men; and Rita is an older woman with bitter, angry children damaged by abuse and neglect. Rita is planning on killing herself on her 70th birthday.  

These characters are all interesting people, and I liked seeing how Gottlieb worked with them. I did feel, especially with Julie and John, that she picked especially tragic figures that were very painful to read about. I sometimes felt I was being emotionally manipulated simply by the sadness of their stories.

Although there were a lot of things I liked about this book, by the time I got near the end, I was happy to finish it. As I was reading, I began to feel that I was seeing the same thing over and over again. There were a lot of generalities about therapy that began to feel redundant and didn't feel particularly helpful. Although I appreciate Gottlieb's candor in talking about her own life, and I found her clients interesting, I think this book could have been shorter and more to the point.

#41 [2019/CBR11] "The Perfect Nanny" by Leila Slimani

I like thrillers, so when I saw The Perfect Nanny by Leila Slimani on NPR's Best Books of 2018 List, I was expecting something like Gone Girl or The Girl on the Train. When I actually began reading, I found it wasn't exactly as I was expecting. On the one hand, this is a good book. It is well written. There are imperfect characters, and universal themes of class and women's roles that make you think. On the other hand, this book was pretty hard to read. It wasn't so much of a thriller as watching dysfunction slowly turn into tragedy.

The story takes place in Paris. Myriam is desperate to go back to work as an attorney after she has kids, and her music producer husband is happy to support her. They are very choosy when it comes to who will look after their children, and they are delighted to find Louise after a number of interviews. Louise is good with the children. She also cooks and cleans, creatively setting up children's birthday parties and creating entire dinner parties out of thin air. Myriam and Paul are the envy of all their neighbors.

"The baby is dead" is the very first sentence of this novel. The reader learns right at the beginning about what is to come at the end. The rest of the story is finding out how they got to that point. Knowing this information puts a shadow over every interaction between the nanny and the family. It comes very slowly as Louise acts oddly in one instance. In another, she lies to Myriam about what's going on in the house. As the story progresses, the economic pressures on Louise increases, and she begins to unravel. Knowing what's coming, it's difficult to read. There are so many other possible outcomes besides murder and attempted suicide, but Louise cannot reach out for help and no one else cares enough to see what she's going through.

Besides the dangerous downward spiral of Louise, Slimani includes some insightful commentary on the stress of being a working mother, the class differences inherent between employers and their nannies, as well as race.

One aspect I found challenging about this book, is that I never felt like I really knew the characters. Even with Slimani's insightful commentary, they all still felt like strangers. This made the violence at the end easier to handle, but I was also less emotionally attached to the book. One review I read praised this aspect of the book because it mirrored Myriam and Paul's relationship with Louise. They were inviting her into their home, but they never really knew her. The reader never really knows her either.

Like I said before, there's a lot to like about this book. However, when I finished reading it, I just felt disturbed. I wondered why I chose to spend so much time on such a dark story. And I don't even have kids! I can only imagine how horrifying this book would be if you were a working mother.

#35 [2018/CBR10] "Birds of a Feather" by Lorin Lindner (with Elizabeth Butler-Witter)

I am a sucker for animals. So, even though I don't have any, I was immediately drawn to the cover of Birds of a Feather (2018) by Lorin Lindner. Now, birds are not my favorite, but when you look a little deeper, they are smart and fascinating creatures. Since they often live in very complex, social societies, they can relate to humans in surprising ways. And they can talk to us! I'd already read Alex & Me by Irene Pepperberg, and I was willing to read more about parrots. When I looked closer, I saw that Lindner's book was both about saving parrots as well as helping homeless veterans. My job quite often requires dealing with the homeless and addicted, which is usually sad and frustrating. I wanted to read what Lindner had done to help them.

Lindner wasn't planning on getting a bird, but when an acquaintance called to tell her that a bright-pink Moluccan Cockatoo was found screaming, alone in an empty house with no food, she adopted him. At the same time, Lindner was working at the L.A. Veterans Healthcare Center. She ran into countless homeless veterans on the street that were not getting any services. In fact, the Veterans Administration stated that there weren't any homeless veterans.

With small steps, dedication, and a lot of hard work, Lindner was able to intertwine her suddenly growing bird sanctuary with help for homeless veterans. She founded Serenity Park on the grounds of the LA Veterans Healthcare Center. The birds came from all over, and willing veterans helped to care for them. The birds were often traumatized and difficult--requiring a lot of care. But they were also social and non-judgmental. Not only did working at Serenity Park give the veterans something useful and fulfilling to do, but the parrots often became important companions. Lindner is honest in saying that this sometimes wasn't enough, and not everyone pulled through. But it did help a number of ex-soldiers.

This book was written in a very clear, straightforward manner. It was easy to read and consistently interesting. The writing isn't anything special, but I admired Lindner's dedication to helping those less fortunate around her. I think I am pretty sensitive, so I have a very hard time seeing any thing suffer. Lindner seemed to have a similar personality, but unlike me, she did something about it and had a significant impact on many lives. After finishing this book, I definitely did not want a parrot as a pet, but I had even more respect for them as intelligent animals. If you have any interest in them, I would recommend  the documentary The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill. I also found Petra the African Grey on Youtube, and she is pretty entertaining.

#41 [2017/CBR9] "The Lonely City" by Olivia Laing

I first saw The Lonely City by Olivia Laing on NPR's Best Books of 2016 List. I picked it up because I was interested in the concept of loneliness, and I wondered what Laing had to say about it. I am an introvert. I enjoy, and often need, time to be alone to recharge. My job is often very people intensive, which can be fun, but also exhausting. So I find that when I'm not working, I enjoy my alone time. But I've also felt that lately, I've been spending more time alone than before. As I've become more independent, I've realized how nice it is to just do whatever I want, whenever I want, without planning or compromising. Sure, there is something to shared experiences that I'm missing out on, but right now I think I'm happier this way--or maybe I've just gotten too lazy to put the effort in.

Anyway, I didn't know what to expect from The Lonely City, but Laing dove right into a loneliness much deeper and darker than I have ever been familiar with. "I was getting a taste of it, all right, but what on earth would it be like to live the whole of your life like this, occupying the blind spot in other people's existences, their noisy intimacies?" (136) This alienation is especially marked in New York City, where you are always surrounded by people. Sometimes feeling like a college thesis, Laing discusses the idea of loneliness, a number of New York artists, how they lived, what kind of loneliness marked them, and how it affected their art.

Although I had heard of many of these artists, I knew very little about their lives or their art. It seemed that each one had a life a little more desperate and sad than the one before. "Why do you put yourself in unsafe places? Because something in you feels fundamentally devoid of worth." (108) They were isolated by mental illness, physical defects, AIDS, and mental health issues, but it also seemed to drive their work.

Laing discusses what drove her to write this book, and that was her loneliness when she moved to New York City in her early thirties. She'd just broken up with her boyfriend, and she found herself in this city where she knew no one and had no purpose. It sounds like she was just lost for quite a while. "I think part of what informs this book is the pain of having grown up for years and years believing I was from another planet." (132)

Finally, Laing brings up how society treats loneliness. This part of the book was rather sad and hopeless--not that the rest of the book was exactly uplifting. Happy people can sense the discomfort and sadness of lonely people and instinctively want to avoid it. Thus, lonely people, starved for human contact and affection , receive even less. Then they become more anti-social and withdrawn, which leads to even less social contact. "This is the other driver of loneliness, the reason why certain people - often the most vulnerable and needy of connection - find themselves permanently on the threshold, if not cast entirely beyond the pale." (153) "What is it about the pain of others? Easier to pretend that it doesn't exist. Easier to refuse to make the effort of empathy..." (254)

#1 [2017/CBR9] "F*ck Feelings" by Michael I. Bennett, MD and Sarah Bennett

F*ck Feelings (2015) by Michael I. Bennett, MD and his comedy writer daughter Sarah Bennett was probably recommended for me on Amazon at some time. The gist of this book is that many people go to therapy looking for miraculous solutions that simply aren't going to happen. F*ck Feelings argues that  there is a more realistic and practical way of dealing with what life throws at you, from addiction to depression to dealing with asshole co-workers and asshole children.

Michael Bennett is a psychiatrist and seems to have a large amount of experience and knowledge. On the whole, though, this book didn't quite work for me. Although it made some interesting and helpful points, I didn't get as much out of it as I was hoping. The authors hit many different topics with a relatively broad brush. Much of it was repetitive, and I often wished for more details.

The book is separated into chapters, including, fuck: self-improvement, self-esteem, fairness, helpfulness, serenity, love, communication, parenthood, assholes, and treatment. The overriding theme of this book is the both depressing and heartening idea that many of the things we struggle with cannot be changed. Someone battling depression and anxiety will probably never fully rid themselves of it. That person will always have to work harder to have a "normal" life. Instead of feeling like a failure for not curing themselves, they should accept that this is who they are and focus on how to best live with it. Then they can feel pride for effectively dealing with this daily struggle. Sometimes waking up in the morning, getting to work, and not being assholes to your family requires a giant mountain of effort and should be acknowledged.

Each chapter is broken up into a five or six page subject, all in the same format. A short discussion of what people struggle with and what changes they would make in a perfect world. Then the authors make some more realistic prognostications. They use three (always three) hypothetical paragraphs of a personal story illustrating the issue. The chapter always ends with a bulleted list of "what you want to happen" in these situations and "what you can realistically expect" in these situations. After these, there is a "script" of what you can say to yourself/friend/enemy/person it may concern in this situation.

I liked some of the discussion and I liked the hypotheticals, but I got very tired of reading the bulleted lists and even more tired of reading the scripts. The lists were simply a retread of what had already been discussed earlier, but in a choppier way that slowed down the reading. The scripts were ridiculously painful to read, and they were my least favorite part of the book.

I liked the general idea that sometimes you just have to let things go. The world isn't fair or just and some people have to struggle much more than others without seeing anything for their efforts. Focus on what you can change and be proud of what you've done to achieve it. On the other hand, the book is too broad and too general to help people specifically. Perhaps it might be useful to look over a specific chapter or sub-chapter that relates to you. It could give you an idea of how to frame your problem and where to start. I'm not sure how useful reading the entire book is, though.

#14 [2015/CBR7] "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg

I honestly can't remember how I ended up reading The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business (2012) by Charles Duhigg. I must have seen it somewhere, and I like books that can teach me something. Depending on the day and my motivation, I can have significant problems with procrastination and efficiency. I am so idealistic and optimistic when it comes to planning everything I want to get done, and then reality sets in. I think picking up this book was a concrete (but still kind of procrastinating) way of working on these issues.

Duhigg wrote a generally interesting, and in some ways, informative book. He begins by describing the pattern of habits and shows how once they are engrained, we often follow habits without thinking. Our brain creates shortcuts to make our lives easier, but it is also what makes bad habits so hard to break. The pattern of habits involve a "cue" that signals your brain to perform the "routine," to receive the "reward" that your brain is craving. For instance, smokers may have a "cue" of drinking at a bar. The routine is to light up, and the reward might be the rush of nicotene. The trick is to figure out the cues and rewards and find a new routine to replace the one you don't like. Cues are almost always one of these five things: location, time, emotional state, other people, or immediately preceding action.

Almost all of the above information was useful, interesting, and focused. It was also almost all in the first chapter. But Duhigg had an entire book to fill. And even though he filled it with interesting stories, I felt he got widely off topic in an effort to find things to discuss. He never clearly defines "habit" and what it means, and his anecdotes didn't seem to have much to do with habits when it comes down to it. Sometimes I felt he was being downright disingenuous in order to keep a story in his book, which drove me crazy.

For example, Duhigg mentioned that people who improve one part of their lives, often improve other aspects of their lives as well. So, if a person began an exercise program at the gym, that person might also start eating better and even watching their spending. Duhigg called this strengthening a "willpower habit" [what?], but is it really willpower or are people feeling more control over their lives and feeling better about themselves? It's certainly an interesting study, but there is no real discussion of the possible causes and Duhigg's insistence to fit it into a "habit" model decreases its value.

Another example of this is when Duhigg stated that students who were treated kindly in a study that required them to not eat chocolate chip cookies did better on a later computer test than students who were treated poorly. Again, Duhigg somehow chalks this up to "willpower habit," but I think it's simply that people are more willing to work hard for people they like. The same goes for the study that shows giving employees a sense of control over their jobs improved job performance. Interesting studies, and possibly helpful, but throwing "habit" in there is just confusing.

Subsequent chapters involving Target's advertising and Rosa Parks seem similarly off topic. I did find the discussion of Target's analysis of its customers both disturbing and fascinating, though. I liked how the Target analyst stated, "With the pregnancy products, though, we learned that some women react badly [that Target is tracking what you buy and can tell you are pregnant before you even tell anyone]." React badly? That's one way to put it. Or you could say, react like a normal person who feels their privacy is being violated.

Finally, and these chapters bothered me the most, was the comparison between a sleepwalker who murdered his wife in a night terror and a compulsive gambler. Again, both of these stories are interesting on their own. In fact, compulsive gambling actually fits in with some of the AA stories Duhigg discussed in the first chapter. However, sleepwalking is not a habit. Duhigg states that, "Society, as embodied by our court and juries, has agreed that some habits are so powerful that they overwhelm our capacity to make choices, and thus we're not responsible for what we do." What? No. Just no.

To be charged with murder the prosecutor has to prove that the defendant had the intent to kill. You can't have that intent if you are asleep and do not know what you are doing. It has nothing to do with habits. In the gambling case, which I was so irritated by, I had to look it up, it seems that the focus on appeal was the aggressive tactics used by the casino, even when it was obvious she was addicted and had told them that she was broke. And the gambler was liable for the money she spent because addiction is not an excuse under the law, and corporations are not required to be moral.

I like learning new things and I appreciate authors who dig in to find the truth in something or find a new way to look at the world. Alternatively, I hate it when I am misinformed, and I feel like that happened in almost every chapter in this book. Duhigg was too focused on shoehorning stories into his main topic, and on the way, the truth of these stories became twisted. I have very little patience or tolerance for this kind of thing. Honesty is more important than anything to me, and so this bothers me more than it might others. Thus, even though this book was a generally interesting read, I probably won't read another by Duhigg because I don't trust him.

#60 (2014/CBR6) "Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness" by Susannah Cahalan

I've seen Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness (2013) by Susannah Cahalan around in bookstores and it caught my interest. So I finally picked it up. This was a fast read and a fascinating true story of  a 24-year-old woman who loses her mind, without warning and without explanation.

Susannah Cahalan is a reporter at the New York Post when her life starts slowly unraveling. It starts with a little paranoia, acting odd, and missing deadlines. Susannah's symptoms quickly progress to where she is almost impossible to live with: yelling at people, trying to escape from her parents house, and being completely irrational. Susannah's first noticeable seizure occurs at her boyfriend's apartment. When Susannah goes to see a well-known neurologist, he dismisses her symptoms and says she is most likely suffering from alcohol withdrawal and sends her home. It is only when her parents insist on more that Susannah is admitted into the epilepsy ward at the NYU hospital.

Once at the hospital, Susannah's problems are only beginning. She is a troublesome patient: paranoid, difficult, and constantly trying to run away. This, with her lack of continuing seizures, has the hospital staff ready to transfer her to a psych ward. Again, her good health insurance and protective and involved parents ensure that she gets the best of care. However, it is only as she worsens and becomes almost catatonic that the doctors finally figure out what is going on with her and what might possibly help her.

This section of the book was definitely the most compelling. Part mystery and part horror movie, I could both relate to Susannah as a person, and was incredibly disturbed by how close she came to not getting the medical help she needed. It's terrifying to know that you could lose any connection to the person you thought you were without any warning or control. Also, going into the book knowing Susannah was suffering from a disease, it was infuriating to read how her neurologist dismissed her symptoms and even exaggerated her drinking in her file.

"If it took so long for one of the best hospitals in the world to get to this step, how many other people were going untreated, diagnosed with a mental illness or condemned to a life in a nursing home or a psychiatric ward?" (151)

The rest of the book follows Susannah through her long recovery as she slowly gets back to her normal self. I didn't find this section quite as interesting, but it was still worth reading. Probably the biggest problem with this book is that we learn almost nothing about Susannah's life before her illness. Thus, it isn't really clear exactly what she's lost or what she's trying to get back to, and it's hard to relate to her on any level deeper than hoping she gets better. We know that she's a reporter and that she's worked at the New York Post since she started there as an intern at seventeen. She also mentions that her boyfriend is in a band and she considers herself a hipster, but that's about it. There is no doubt that the point of this story is Susannah's illness, and perhaps it's unfair to expect her to bare her soul in order to tell that story. However, when I compare it to books like Wild by Cheryl Strayed, it felt like something was missing. Her relationship with her both her parents changed dramatically through the course of her illness, but to understand the real impact of this change we need to know more about her relationship with her parents before her illness. For this reason, this book probably could have been more personal and more powerful.

Susannah Cahalan ends her memoir with the knowledge that twenty percent of patients with her condition relapse, and the fear that the madness might come back to her. There were two themes that stuck with me long after finishing this book. The first was Cahalan's unique insight into mental illness with her brief but well-documented plunge into psychosis, and how her personal perspective might change other people's attitudes on the subject. The second was the understanding of how quickly we can lose everything we use to define ourselves.

"The girl in the video is a reminder about how fragile our hold on sanity and health is and how much we are at the utter whim of our Brutus bodies, which will inevitably, one day, turn on us for good. I am a prisoner, as we all are. And with that realization comes an aching sense of vulnerability." (227)

#49 [2014/CBR6] "Animal Madness" by Laurel Braitman

"...as Oliver Wendell Holmes says, a weak mind does not accumulate force enough to hurt itself." (61)

I am an animal lover, so when I first spotted Animal Madness: How Anxious Dogs, Compulsive Parrots, and Elephants in Recovery Help Us Understand Ourselves (2014) by Laurel Braitman at my local Costco, I was intrigued. I imagined in-depth stories of animals that have made miraculous recoveries. I wanted inspiring tales of elephants with new best friends and dogs who become miraculously happy and well-adjusted. I was really looking forward to reading this one.

So, let's just call those expectations unrealistic and optimistic. It turns out that most animals become crazy, at least the animals we know about, because people are doing something horrible to them. Another title for this book could be "A History of Animal Abuse." Perhaps if I had thought it through a little more, I wouldn't have been so surprised, but this was not what I was expecting.

The book begins with a personal story of how the author's dog jumped out of a four-story apartment building window because it had gone crazy with anxiety when left alone. The dog miraculously lives, and I appreciate the personal aspect of the story, but it's hard to read about. And it just gets worse from there. After the poor dog, there is story after story of poor lab animals: shocked until they go insane; mistreated; and stuck in cages with no companionship for their entire lives. Then there are the circus animals beaten into performance, and zoo animals drugged up to deal with the boredom and stress of living lives so far from what nature intended.

To be fair, there is a lot of interesting information in this book. Braitman goes through the history of people's views of animals and their emotional lives, how these views changed as people's lives changed, and how drugs for depression, anxiety, and psychotic disorders were first tested on animals and then used widely on animals--just as they expanded their use with people.

Yet, even if I could enjoy dwelling in the pain of so many animals, I wasn't too impressed by the writing. Again, I think this has a lot to do with my expectations, which might not be fair, but it is how I saw the book. I wanted more depth and more explanation. I would have been much happier if Braitman has chosen the story of just five or so animals and went into great detail about their lives, what was going on in their heads, how they relate to people, etc. Instead, as I read, I felt that the book was all over the place. First, there's the history of animal abuse, then a long treatise against zoos (I kind of agree with Braitman here, but, again, it wasn't what I was expecting). The lack of purpose and depressing stories about animals combined with my initial high hopes left me disappointed with this one.

"We could also, and most important, make a lasting peace with Darwin's belief that humans are just another kind of animal, different only by degree." (284)

#51 (2013/CBR5) "Buddha's Brain" by Rick Hanson

My initial interest in Buddhism was pretty recent, but my knowledge was non-existent. When I turned to Buddhism Plain & Simple to learn more, I was both intrigued and frustrated. On the one hand, the worldview that encourages compassion, understanding, letting go of the unimportant things, and finding your own way is very appealing. On the other hand, the teachings often felt counterintuitive and too vague to be useful. When another Cannonballer wrote a positive review of Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom (2009) by Rick Hanson, Ph.D, with Richard Mendius, MD., I figured it would be the perfect follow-up book for my western sensibilities.

I had mixed reactions to this book. There was some helpful information, but also, at just over 200 pages, the book felt awfully long and sometimes repetitive. I was counting the pages down by the end. It probably didn't help that even before I could get into the meat of it, I had to read a: Foreward, Preface, Acknowledgements, and an Introduction.

Since I am having a difficult (to say the least) time with my current boss, I was specifically hoping for some helpful hints in not taking it personally when he acts like a raging asshole. One interesting concept is to think of suffering as darts. The first dart is the initial action: someone hits you, hurts your feelings, you cut your hand, etc. There's nothing you can do about that dart. You'll feel pain, but it will pass. Most of the other darts come from you. You feel anger that someone hurt you, frustrated at yourself for letting it happen, annoyed by what others might think, etc. In essence, we are all just unnecessarily torturing ourselves and if we can get our brains to simply calm down, we'll all be happier. Buddha's Brain does a good job of explaining how our sometimes overzealous reactions stem from important evolutionary needs back when our lives were much more physically dangerous. One of the parables I like best is that of a man leisurely lying in a canoe in a river when two teens sneak up behind him and push his boat over. Now, think of the same man lying in the canoe, but this time a log bumps into his canoe and pushes it over. The damage to the man in each story is the same, but our reactions (at least mine) are drastically different.

Buddha's Brain quickly skims a number of issues I found rather fascinating and therefore frustrating. One sentence discusses the long lasting problems people have if they don't have stable relationships while children. There are a number of different kinds of childhood relationships and each has different consequences. The book recommended delving into your childhood to heal those wounds. While I was reading, I was very interested in figuring out what kind of relationships I'd had as a kid and how they affected me, but there wasn't any more information. Delving into childhood trauma felt like one of those issues that would require a bit more guidance--like intense and expert therapy--not just me thinking about my childhood.

This book was very consistent in recommending meditation. And various kinds of meditation, although they all seemed very similar when reading about them. These paragraphs were probably the hardest for me of the book. I like the idea of meditation and I'm definitely willing to give it a try, but I just couldn't keep it straight and I got tired of reading about it by the end.

Finally, sentences like the below were far from the clear and practical language that I prefer.

"[Self] developed over several million years, shaped by the twists and turns of evolution. Then at any moment today, it arises through neural activities that depend on other bodily systems, and those systems depend on a network of supporting factors ranging from grocery stores to the seemingly arbitrary but remarkably provident physical constants of this universe, which enable the conditions for life such as stars, planets, and water. The self has no inherent, unconditional, absolute existence apart from the network of causes it arises from, in, and as." (213)

I'm glad I read this book, and I definitely learned some things. Some parts were a little dry, but I'd still probably recommend it for those interested in the subject.

#45 (2013/CBR5) "Click" by Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman

Click: The Magic of Instant Connections (2010) by Ori and Rom Brafman is one of those books that I noticed somewhere (probably on Amazon?) a long time ago and finally got around to reading. I'm a big fan of these fun, little pop psychological books. They allow me a glimpse into how our minds work and how we deal with relationships without being text-book heavy or self-help-book annoying. Click was also another audio book, but unlike some other audio books I've picked up, the interesting stories and conversational language made listening to this one much less of a chore.

Click really focuses on how we engage with people. And really, a lot of the book is common sense. After all, I bet everyone has experienced the sensation of "clicking" with someone, so we know that it makes us happy and we work better with people we "click" with. Despite this, Click is still worth reading because of the interesting anecdotes, and the sometimes surprising psychological studies that have been done on this subject.

In addition to giving real life examples of couples and partners who "clicked" and achieved great results, the Brafman brothers split the book up into five factors that accelerate or help people "click." These are: vulnerability, proximity, resonance, similarity, and shared adversity. These factors were illustrated by some pretty interesting (to me, at least) psych experiments. The one that sticks most in my mind involved sending a research assistant into a large, college lecture hall. The assistant could not speak or interact with anyone. She would simply walk to the front of the class and sit down.They varied the experiment by changing the number of classes the research assistant attended. Then they showed the students in the class a picture of the research assistant. Most students did not recognize her, or even if students said she looked familiar they didn't know where they had seen her. However, these students rated her higher on scales of: attractiveness, friendliness, and likability than students who had shared no classes with her. I was surprised to learn that some kind of subconscious familiarity with people would change your perception of them so strongly.

Click also mentions that some people are just better at reading and getting along with others, and they'll "click" with almost anyone they meet. I'm impressed by this talent, probably even more so because I don't have it. This one kept my interest and is worth the read if you have an interest in the subject.

#21 (2013/CBR5) "Gone Girl" by Gillian Flynn

I was finally able to read Gone Girl (2012) by Gillian Flynn. I'm a little behind the rest of the crowd, as always, but by the time I heard about it--months ago--the waiting list at the library was in the hundreds. Fortunately I had plenty of other reading material to occupy myself while I waited.

It's always a little odd to read something that you've heard so much about and that you've waited so long for. After seeing so many reviews, I wasn't sure I was going to like it, but I decided I had to read it in order to make up my own mind. In addition, so many people had complained about the ending that as soon as I started reading I started bracing myself for whatever it was that was coming up at the end.

Nick Dunne and Amy Elliott Dunne are a couple in their thirties. Nick was raised in a small town in Missouri and Amy was raised in New York, a cherished only child. The couple had moved from New York City back to Nick's hometown two years before when both of them lost their jobs and Nick's mom got sick. The book starts out the morning of their fifth wedding anniversary when Amy suddenly and mysteriously disappears. The book switches perspective between Nick during the present and Amy in the past through diary entries.

This book was better than I was expecting. The writing was incredibly good, combining the suspense of a missing person's case, the emotional roller coaster of the collapse of a marriage, and the in-depth psychology of all of the characters. I stopped reading it one night because I had to finish some stuff up for work. But after about an hour, I just picked it back up again. I couldn't let it go. Before I read Gone Girl, I wasn't planning on reading any more of Flynn once I got through what I considered to be her most "famous" novel, but now I think I'll end up reading all of her books.

***SPOILERS***
I like to discuss all my reactions books without having to tiptoe around plot points, trying not to ruin it for other people. So below are some of my uncensored thoughts:

Flynn was leading me by the nose through this entire book. I was reading Amy's diary like it was a horror novel. How terrifying that a marriage could dissolve so completely until the man who loved you can barely stand you. My opinions against Nick were being shaped right along with the public's opinion as they learned more about him. And just when I was certain Nick had done it, there is a momentous shift! And it's still almost a horror story, but now Nick is the victim of his sociopath wife
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The ending: I wish I hadn't heard so much vague discussion of the ending before reading this book. I kept trying to guess what shocking and annoying plot twist Flynn was going to throw at me. So I had mixed feelings when I finally got to the end. A part of me had problems believing that Nick would stay with Amy after all that. She is crazy! She could kill him! She could ruin him! Why would you want a child growing up around her? It would be better to be free. But then I was also impressed by how well Flynn had set everything up. Amy is incredibly dangerous when you cross her. Working with her was the only way Nick could have a real relationship with his kid and actually live in peace. Flynn wrote once that all of Amy's barbs fit perfectly into all the wounds left by Nick's father. Amy's worse, of course, but both Nick and Amy are messed up in a way that only the other person really understands. In a way, they can't be with anyone else (although Amy really should be in jail). In fact, Nick was already playing a role before Amy disappeared. His entire life he's been acting in a way that tries to control others perceptions of him. Flynn wrote a painstaking, original novel. It would have been a disappointment if she'd ended it with something as mundane as the bad guy getting caught. This ending fit the rest of the story and was, in a disturbing way, a believable path for their characters to take.

#28 (cbriv-2012) Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

When someone posted some interesting quotes on Facebook from Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking (2012) by Susan Cain, I developed a sudden interest in my natural personality type. I went looking for Quiet but the library was a little slow in its purchases. Instead I found, The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen, which I read earlier this year. I enjoyed both books for different reasons. The Introvert Advantage went into a little more detail about how the brains of introverts and extroverts function differently on a cellular level, which was fascinating. On the other hand, I appreciated how Cain did not turn Quiet into a cheering section for how much better introverts are than extroverts or a rah-rah self-help book. Instead she focused on the relative strengths and weaknesses of both personality types and how they work together to influence and interact in the world around us.

Cain begins Quiet by looking at the rise of the appreciation of the extroverted personality. In the early 1900's, when populations shifted dramatically from rural towns to big cities, relationships became more about the impression one could make on strangers than long-standing relationships. It was during this time that traits associated with extroverted personalities became highly prized in work and social situations. Another interesting fact was that introversion, extroversion, and appreciation of those traits varies drastically from country to country. The United States, unsurprisingly, is one of the most extroverted countries in the nation while many Asian countries and Finland are much more introverted.

I feel like I could go on forever about all the interesting little bits of information I've picked up from reading this book, all while opining on my own version of introversion. But I'm afraid that could get out of hand. So, instead, I'll just jot down some of the bits I found interesting enough to highlight while reading:

-"High-reactive children [associated with introversion] pay what one psychologist calls 'alert attention' to people and things. They literally use more eye movements than others to compare choices before making a decision. It's as if they process more deeply--sometimes consciously, sometimes not--the information they take in about the world." (103)

-"According to a recent study of military personnel conducted through the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research, introverts function better than extroverts when sleep deprived." (125)

-"I believe this is harder for introverts, who have trouble projecting artificial enthusiasm." (129)

-"Introverts, in contrast, are constitutionally programmed to downplay reward--to kill their buzz, you might say--and scan for problems." (167) 

-"[I]ntroverts are capable of acting like extroverts for the sake of work they consider important, people they love, or anything they value highly." (209)

-"These findings suggest something very important: introverts like people they meet in friendly contexts; extroverts prefer those they compete with." (231)

-"They 'enjoy small talk only after they've gone deep,' says Strickland. 'When sensitive people are in environments that nurture their authenticity, they laugh and chitchat just as much as anyone else." (152)

So, if any of the above statements pique your curiosity and leave you wanting more, it's probably worth reading the book. Fascinating stuff.

#3 (2012-cbriv) "The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World" by Marti Olsen Laney

I can’t remember when I first learned about introverts and extroverts, but there was never any doubt that I was an introvert. All I needed to know was that introverts liked/needed time to themselves. I genuinely like people, but I have always required quality solitary time. Anyway, some random posting on facebook about the qualities of introverts made me start to wonder a bit more about my innate personality. I couldn’t find the original book mentioned on Facebook at the library, but I picked up The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World (2002) by Marti Olsen Laney in an effort to learn more about myself.

The Introvert Advantage contained some interesting bits of knowledge, and it has given me a different perspective of myself and parts of my life. However, I was looking for a book explaining why I think and act the way I do. The Introvert Advantage often focused on trying to convince the reader that being an introvert is not that bad, as well as self-help tips for how to live as an introvert. First, when Laney lists some of the qualities of introverts, it just made me think, “Crap, being an introvert is worse than I thought.” Introverts need more sleep and rest, don’t like being active, can be sensitive to the sun, walk and talk slowly, need more recovery time, and can be sensitive to heat and cold. For someone who wants to be a firefighter, these wussy qualities are not helpful. Second, some of the self-help tips were corny or obvious. I’m sure she didn’t mean it like this, but it was almost insulting to be told to try talking to people.

One rather haunting chapter for me was her description of relationships. Since I am still very much in the process of getting over a recent breakup, reading her section on introvert females dating extrovert males kind of brought it all back. I know we had bigger issues than just our personalities conflicting. But reading through the section did make me wonder if things could have gone differently if we had understood eachother better.

Every once in awhile Laney would blurt out some fascinating little tidbit that I had no idea was related to being an introvert. For instance, when learning, left-brained introverts value the written word or the word of an authoritative source. They may need data that supports what someone says in order to trust their information. Also, introverts are often more comfortable sitting in a group than standing. Both of these are very true for me, but I thought they were just weird preferences I had. It was these little nuggets that really interested me. But the author never explained why. Although there was a rather unclear description of how introvert and extrovert brains work differently, the fact that introverts have a longer pathway in their brains to process information does not explain all of the personality traits associated with introverts. Why are introverts more comfortable sitting than standing? Why do we feel more exposed? Why are we more self-conscious? Is it just because we are more aware? I would have been much more interested in the book if it delved deeply into these questions and stayed away from the self-help business.

2011 (cbriii) #17 "The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry" by Jon Ronson

I first saw The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry (2011) when its author, Jon Ronson promoted it on "The Daily Show." The two Jon's discussed how his new book looks into the traits of psychopathy and how many corporate CEO's, etc. display these traits. I had just finished The Devil in the White City, which features a psychopath, and I was interested in learning more about how their minds worked. And the idea that there were people in power who were psychopaths--or perhaps people were able to obtain power because of their psychopathy sounded pretty fascinating.

But I found the entire book to be disappointing and frustrating. I am a big fan of Jon Krakauer because of his intensive research, intricate descriptions, and fair analysis of his subjects. The Psychopath Test was exactly the opposite. The book includes a series of loosely connected interviews with the author, somewhat related to mental health. There is not enough detail to get even a vague understanding of one subject before he abruptly switches to whatever other person he has decided to interview. Although each interview may have been interesting as an interview, there is not enough information to make a book. Why this book was even bought by the library and why it has positive reviews on Amazon is a complete mystery to me.

I was mistaken in thinking that the entire book was an in-depth look at psychopaths. However, even the part of the book that discusses psychopaths is incredibly unhelpful. Ronson jumps from some harmless guy in Norway who sent a cryptic book to a bunch of professors to a man in a mental hospital in Britain who is stuck there because his psychiatrists have determined that he's a psychopath. Needing more education on the subject, he visits an American psychologist who has come up with a "psychopath test." With this new information, Ronson interviews a business mogul who became famous for firing half of his workforce. The rest of the book moves on to how shows like Jerry Springer try to get crazy people on their show, but not too crazy. He looks at a crazy conspiracy theorist, and quickly discusses how more mental illnesses are being diagnosed and treated with drugs--especially bi-polar disorder in children.

I had two major problems with this book and Ronson's writing. The first is the lack of focus and analysis. Ronson almost touches on a number of very interesting questions and dilemmas regarding psychology, but he never gets into any of it. He never does enough research to have an enlightened discussion, and he never does any analysis. Psychologists can be a crazy bunch of people and they're often wrong. Should they really have the power of determining who is a psychopath and may be a danger to society? How do we know they're right? Are we letting a doctor who actually enjoyed shocking his prisoner patients make these decisions? What are the levels of psychopathy? What do they think causes it? Does it help people succeed in some instances? What is causing the increase of diagnosing children as bi-polar? What are the effects? What can be done about it? The entire book I was waiting for him to get into the meat of the issues, but instead he would just jump to his next subject.

The other frustration was that I felt manipulated by Ronson. He didn't have enough information to keep an entire book going, so instead of just telling us what he learned, he handed it out piece-meal in order to achieve some sort of effect. It's possible he was trying to take us on the same journey he took when he was interviewing people, but I just found it irritating. For instance, when Ronson goes to interview the business mogul, he tells us about the parts of the interview that may have made the business mogul appear to be more like a psychopath. It isn't until the next chapter that he mentions the parts that make him look more normal. If I can't trust the author to tell me the whole story, then I can't trust anything he's writing.

"We aren't all good people just trying to do good. Some of us are psychopaths. And psychopaths are to blame for this brutal misshapen society. They're the jagged rocks thrown into the still pond?" --Wait, does Ronson really believe this? Does he think he's found the cause of human suffering? Because it's a pretty sweeping statement with absolutely no support. And instead of looking into this question, he just moves on.

In describing psychopaths, Jon Ronson states they lack remorse. "It's the feeling we get when we're suddenly startled--like when a figure jumps out at us in the dark--or when we realize we've done something terrible, the feeling of fear and guilt and remorse." --The feeling of guilt for doing something wrong and the feeling I get when I'm startled and scared could not be more different. Perhaps psychopaths don't feel either, but I'm not sure why Ronson is equating the two.

The two paragraphs above are just a couple examples of what bothered me about this book. Perhaps some of my disappointment comes from my expectations of something different but I have not been more annoyed with a book I've read in a long time.

Redux #5 - "The Language of Emotional Intelligence" by Jeanne Segal

I don't want to spend much time discussing The Language of Emotional Intelligence: The Five Essential Tools for Building Powerful and Effective Relationships (2008) by Jeanne Segal because I wasn't impressed with it, and I really don't want to spend any more time on it. I picked up this book as part of my continuing efforts to become a firefighter. The entry test for firefighters involve some questions on "emotional well-being" and "interpersonal skills." Although I am pretty confident in my ability to do the math and English sections on the test, I figured it wouldn't hurt to focus a bit on "emotional well-being" and "interpersonal skills"--an important part of the test, and two things that law school definitely does not encourage. So, after looking at a list of recommended books from the little firefighter study packet, I found this one.

Now, I like learning how people think and interact; I usually find psychology studies fascinating, but this book was a pretty painful read. It was so general it was impossible to learn anything, and it was incredibly repetitive. I've learned more about humans from reading books about chimpanzees. There weren't many reviews on Amazon for this one, but they were all pretty positive. Now that I've read the book, however, I suspect the author/publisher has been busy on Amazon themselves. I'm a little wary of these "self-help" type books, but I wouldn't mind them if they were a little more interesting and helpful. I might try one or two more from that list just to be thorough, but if they're like this one, I'm giving up.

#98 - "Look Me in the Eye" by John Elder Robison

I'm afraid I don't have much time to write up Look Me in the Eye: My Life With Asperger's (2007) by John Elder Robison. I've got about a half hour before the coffee shop closes and I lose my internet. I've recently picked up some temp work doing some emergency document review, otherwise known as sweatshop work for lawyers. But I need the money, and it's not that bad because I know it's going to end soon. In the meantime, I have almost no free time with an internet connection.

I saw Look Me in the Eye on a recommended reading list and decided to take a look. Robison wrote a memoir of his life with Asperger's after being prompted by his younger brother, the New York Times bestselling author of Running With Scissors, Augusten Burroughs (Burroughs apparently hated his family so much that he changed his name--I will know more when I actually read Running With Scissors). Robison spent his childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood wondering what was wrong with him and feeling like a fraud. He knew he was different but wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until he was in his forties. But despite Asperger's, a violent, alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother, Robison still built a life for himself. A whiz with electronics and sound, Robison made exploding guitars for KISS and designed electronic toys before going into business on his own.

I don't know too much about Asperger's or autism, but I thought Look Me in the Eye was an interesting look from Robison's perspective. I kind of feel the hypochondriac urge to delare myself somewhat autistic, and I could sometimes relate to Robison's point of view: I'm not big on small talk; I much prefer honesty, I cannot give someone a fake compliment, and I tend to really focus on one thing at the time. That's where the similarity ends, though, and some of the chapters that Robison probably most enjoyed writing, I wasn't as interested in. Robison keeps it brief, but I really didn't need any details about his electronics work. He could have said, I did some really hard, innovative, gadgety stuff, and I could have simply believed him.

Robison also doesn't talk too specifically about how Asperger's affects him in his day-to-day, personal life. A couple of chapters are devoted to the subject, but Robison is married twice and he barely describes how he meets them or their interactions. I guess I am usually more interested in the personal and it wasn't always there. Also, Robison comes from a very unique and messed-up family and I was left wondering more than once whether his behavior (that I would consider odd) was a result of Asperger's, his parents, the times, or spending summers in rural Georgia. Robison was in Florida, working on a KISS tour and he shot a snake right outside of his motel door--with families nearby in the pool--with his (probably illegal) handgun. And Robison was surprised when the disgruntled motel owner objected. I enjoyed reading Look Me in the Eye, but I found myself eager to pick up Running With Scissors to see if I could get more of the story of Robison's family.

#77 - "Life in Rewind" by Terry Weible Murphy

I am quite the sucker for books on display at the library and bookstore. I think that's the main reason I could never compile a list of 100 books to read for the next year. I have no idea what book or books will catch my interest or what I will feel like reading. And Life in Rewind is one of those I spotted at the library. Actually the full title is: Life in Rewind: The Story of a Young Courageous Man Who Persevered Over OCD and the Harvard Doctor Who Broke All the Rules to Help Him (2009) by Terry Weible Murphy with Edward E. Zine and Michael A. Jenike. I've obviously heard of OCD and sometimes wondered if I had some light OCD tendencies, but most of my knowledge of the disease comes from a vaguely remembered documentary that might have aired on MTV. I like reading real stories about people and I wanted to learn more about OCD, so I picked up the book.

Murphy tells the story of Ed Zine, a young man who has lost his life and humanity to the extreme demands of OCD, and Michael Jenike, a renowned specialist in OCD who went out of his way to help Ed. Although Murphy does not discuss this until the end of the book, her personal interest in the subject is that her son was diagnosed as having the disease when he was seventeen. Ed had a rather difficult childhood. His distant, sometimes abusive, and military father raised Ed after his beloved mother died when Ed was a young boy. Ed was often alone, uprooted, and never addressed the grief from his mother's death. He became obsessed with "rewinding" everything in his mind in order to keep his family member's safe. At his lowest point, which lasted for years, Ed had stopped showering, brushing his teeth, or changing his clothes. He lived and stayed alone in the "safe" basement of his father's house, keeping his bodily excretions in gatorade bottles and plastic bags, and eating noodles delivered to the basement door in plastic bags by concerned family members. Walking down the basement hall to use the telephone could all day.

After a forced stay in a psychiatric ward with disastrous results, Ed's concerned family learned of Dr. Michael Jenike and contacted him, asking for help. Murphy delves briefly into Jenike's history; she mentions Jenike's traumatic time in the Vietnam War, his urge to help people, and his philosophy as a doctor. Jenike tries to focus on providing the best care possible for his patients without concern for the requirements and dictates of the insurance industry. Therefore, when Jenike hears of Ed Zine's problems, he drives three hours one-way to Cape Cod in order to help him. And even though Ed Zine is too sick to leave his basement, Jenike keeps coming back and even pays his daughter to work with Ed through behavioral therapy. Jenike's compassionate concern and relaxed demeanor quickly create trust between the two and they considered each other friends. Even though Jenike tried everything he knew, however, he couldn't get Ed to make any noticable improvement and eventually stopped visiting Cape Cod, still making himself available by phone.

Ed greatly admired Dr. Jenike and wanted more than anything to repay him for the many hours that Jenike had devoted to him for nothing. With a combination of pure willpower, mainly inspired by Dr. Jenike, and the specifics of the disease Ed had learned, he combatted the disease on his own and made great progress. In the end, although Ed is still constantly fighting with his demons, he was able to take some control of his life. And the feel-good ending includes a marriage and two beautiful daughters.

I found this book compelling and easy to read. Both Ed and Michael seem like extraordinary people and I admire both of them for what they accomplished. But this isn't one of my favorites. While I was reading it, I felt like I was watching a special on OCD and Ed Zine on the Oprah show. It never went into enough detail for me to really understand OCD or relate to what Ed Zine was going through. Murphy mentions that Jenike suffered from PTSD and some depression long after the end of the Vietnam War. Although I felt like she was somehow trying to connect Ed and Michael, the couple of sentences about Michael's struggle didn't give me a much clearer picture of the doctor. And maybe this comes from the fact that Terry Murphy is a mother whose son is suffering from OCD, but I felt it had an almost forced feel-good aspect to it. I am very impressed by Ed and his accomplishments, but Murphy would describe Ed's moments of triumph and then seemingly gloss over some major problems with his marriage. On the whole, a good story, but I didn't learn too much about OCD and I wish it had been a little more in-depth.