#11 [2026/CBR18] The Anxious Perfectionist by Clarissa W. Ong and Michael P. Twohig

I've been reading a lot of self-help books lately for a number of reasons. It is great when something I read can make a concrete difference in my life. I just recently read another book on perfectionism, called The Perfectionists Guide to Losing Control. That book was interesting, but a little frustrating and left me wanting more. So, I listened to The Anxious Perfectionist (2022) by Clarissa W. Ong and Michael P. Twohig hoping for a better understanding of perfectionism and how it might affect me.

Although The Anxious Perfectionist did not have the fun quiz that began the last book I read on perfectionism, I found this one a little easier to read and digest. I found a number of practical actions that could be helpful and will be trying to incorporate into my life.

First, the author recommends letting go of your labels and stories. Basically, these are words you use to identify with yourself or others. For instance: "I'm so unorganized, hopeless, bad in social contexts", or whatever it might be. These labels are natural but they can force you into a box--making it hard to be anything else. And they might not even be true in the first place. 

Secondly, the authors advise that you focus on your values: what really matters to you. Honesty, virtue, hard work, friendship, integrity, learning, enjoying the outdoors. Everyone has different values, so it's important to really think about what matters to you. Then you can decide from there to do things that feed your values. 

Much like the first book I read on perfectionism, these authors understand that perfectionists are often overwhelmed, afraid of failure, or otherwise unwilling to get started on things that really matter to them. They urge using your values to help push you into action. You might not want to put yourself out there and sign up for a class, but if you have a value of learning, it might be worth it. The authors mention that perfectionists often want to wait for the perfect conditions before starting a new project (definitely me), but getting one half or even a quarter of something done is better than nothing. And when you begin again, you won't have as much left to do.

I've found that my brain is always looking to finish everything all at once, so I'll finally have nothing to worry about. My house will be perfect, my job will be perfect, and everything will be caught up. Obviously, this is never going to happen, but I've found that even reaching for it increases my anxiety. I've discovered that it's better to just have one or two small things I know I can get done and focus on those and only those. That way I stay productive and I can feel fulfilled by the small things that I have accomplished. I can't let my mind run off with grand, unrealistic dreams, or think about every single problem that might come up as I try to fulfill those grand dreams.

The authors use the acronym SMART to help lay out goals that go with your values. SMART (which my husband told me is widely used in business schools as well) stands for: specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. Relevant means that it supports your values and time bound means that it must have a deadline. I've had a goal of finishing a book I wrote for NaNoWriMo many years ago. However, without a hard deadline, that goal is meaningless--as you can see from my still unfinished draft.

Ong and Twohig also discuss being kind to yourself (which has come up in pretty much every self-help book I've read recently, so it must be important), and constantly reevaluating your goals to make sure they continue to align with your values. 

I've been considerably more productive since reading these two books on perfectionism. Although I still don't feel like I understand exactly when I'm being a healthy go-getter versus an unhealthy striver/avoider, I think I'm moving in the right direction.